▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the education of children aged four to seven
is not giving them a computer for the education of children aged between four to seven, people should not give a computer. However, I believe that giving them a computer
is the most important that can be made to the education of children aged four
to seven for two reasons. This is because giving them a computer enables
children to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life.
First, giving them a computer enables children to relieve stress.
Understanding the daily environment of children and the potential role of giving
them a computer is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, children
have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. (위 에세이 주제는 4살에서 7살 아이들에 관한 에세이입니다. 이 아이들이 교통체증을 느낄 수 있는 나이인지 다시 한번 생각 하면 좋을 거 같습니다) Once they are at
school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even
at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down
children. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, children can use the Internet
to relieve stress. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds
from the intense mental pressure from school. In this regard, giving them a
computer to be made to the education of children aged four to seven enables
children to relieve stress is a good education for children aged between four to seven. 일단 가장 기초적으로 생각해야하는 부분은. 이 에세이에서는 아이들의 나이가 4살에서 7살 사이입니다. 그런즉 이 아이들 나이에 맞게 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다.
Second, giving them a computer to educating educate children enables them to
enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of giving them
a computer to communicate together, many expert's opinions and research
statistics reinforce the idea that giving them a computer enables children to
strengthen relationships with friends. For example, giving them a computer
provides meaningful opportunities for children to connect with their friends.
Essentially, giving them a computer to communicate together promotes activities
that encourage children to openly interact and freely exchange their views and
ideas with one another. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only to
share similar interests but also to create lasting memories, allowing children
to become more socially aware and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. 예시가 깔끔하게 진행되었습니다. 다만 아쉬운 점은 위 바디에서도 보앗듯이 이 에세이 주제에 맞는 나이에 중점을 두시는게 좋을 거 같습니다. 이 아이들을 교육하는데에 있어 컴퓨터를 주는 것이 이로운지에 대하여 다시 생각하고 좀더 맞는 방향으로 서술하면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 거 같습니다.
To sum up, I believe that the most important investment that can be
made to the education of children aged four to seven is giving to give them a computer
for the following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of
life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the
reasons I have mentioned above. Good: 24~30 점수: 25 논리적으로 잘 풀어 나갔습니다. 특히 구체적인 설명에서 예시로 넘어가는 부분이 아주 매끄럽게 넘어간 거 같습니다. 하지만 다만 아쉬운 점은 이 에세이 주제에 등장하는 아이들의 나이에 중점을 좀 더 두었으면 좋았을 것이라고 생각합니다. 생각의 전환을 해서 4살에서 7살 사이 어린 아이들에게 컴퓨터를 주는것이 이로운 것인가를 한 번 더 생각하고 서술하시는 것이 더 좋았을 거 같습니다. 이것 이외에는 문제되는 것이 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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