▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that people's freedom should be protected regardless of what the situation is. However, I strongly believe that there are always exceptions when it comes to freedom. It is because that invasion of their freedom can contribute to stopping stop crimes and making make society more orderly. To begin with, even if CCTV can invade people's freedom, it can have a significant role in preventing in order to prevent crime. It is necessary for capturing a criminal as it shows the route he has been passed. This can decline the rate of crime and minimize the number of victims. For example, there was a poll conducted by Doruk, the director of an organization called Gallup, with residents in London as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about the importance of CCTV. The majority of respondents ranked the role of CCTV over their preservation of freedom. An overwhelming 73 percent had responded that violation of freedom is unavoidable because CCTV guarantees their safe safety and there always is a possibility for them to be one of the victims. This survey proves that people can have a positive view of installing CCTV, which means they can endure the intrusion of their privacy. 아주 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔습니다. 본인의 이유를 가장 잘 적절하게 서포트할 수 있는 CCTV예시가 나와서 이 에세이를 읽는 사람들로 하여금 설득 당할 수 있게 합니다. 또한 공신력 있는 사이트를 제시하면서 에세이의 질을 더 높여 주는것 같습니다 On top of that, freedom can not help being encroached in the case of a group life (이 부분은 어떠한 말을 하려고 하는 건가요?? 설명이 필요할 거 같아요). Modern society is composed of many groups such as communities, clubs and organizations. There are too many people to control and the leader have has to have a right choice to build rules. For instance, I will give a concrete example of my own story. When I first entered a high school, the atmosphere was so free that students had no restriction in using their cell phones. Thus, many students did not hesitate to make use of it all the time, even in class time. Others who wanted to study in an academic atmosphere started to claim about this, and my homeroom teacher finally made a new regulation not to use cell phone during class. After this happening, most of the students said that this gave them a great chance to study and the class became more systematic. This shows that where people are gathered in large quantity, the regulation can be crucial. To sum up, your sacrifice in freedom can result in the decline of crime rate and keeping social order. In this regard, I firmly assert that sometimes people's infringement of freedom should gain acceptance. Good: 24~30 점수: 27 아주 잘 서술한 에세이 입니다. 특히 이유에 대한 설명도 좋았지만. 가장 좋았던 부분은 예시입니다. 각 바디에서 등장 한 예시들이 그 앞에 설명되어 있는 부분들을 아주 논리적이고 합리적이게 설명하 고 있습니다. 이러한 부분이 에세이의 질을 높아 주었고 본인이 어떠한 생각을 가지고 에세이를 서술하게 되었는지 파악하게 되었습니다. 비록 제가 참석한 것을 보면 몇개의 문법적으로 틀린 부분들이 있지만 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하지 않기 때문에 괜찮았습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |