| ||||||
| ||||||
|
Nowadays, people put too much emphasis on take to care their
outer sides which are important because we live in the lookism society. I am
inclined to believe that these factors are a natural component because this is a kind of
natural laws.
To begin with, mankind takes care
of their appearance outward show, which
is not a strange phenomenon in nowadays. This is
because people are from the earth. The form is a part of the competitive
element which is a necessary principle in nature too. For instance, one peacock
looks very beautiful in the group, which means that the peacock is the leader
which explains how much appearance is important in the wildlife to us. People
do not live different from animals because humans are part of the universe.
Secondly, the view is not wrong
because people want to be more attractive than others, which is an idea that has
existed for thousands of years, but the difference is based on the era. For example, strong men and
women with full hips were attractive in the ancient period. For this reason,
they paid pay attention to their outer
sides which are natural that people want to be an attractive person that
opinion describes nowadays` thought.
Last but not least, taking care of your outer side is the best way to show what makes
you are different. People are a part of the component in the modern
society as many people live in the world and easy to find a substitution.
However, they want to have a specificity which helps to differentiate them from others. For instance, people can see many crowds
in the day, but -we cannot remember
everybody’`s image. AlthoughHowever, people can remember someone whose appearance
or fashion is unique. This is the fastest way to appeal
offer who you are because people remember the first image longer than
others.
To sum up, mankind is a part of
the earth and taking care of their looks helps
to be distinguished from
others. In addition, this is the natural part of the human’`s essence. For these reasons, superabundant
attention to their clothes and image is normal in the modern society.
Fair (17-21)
서론
-take to care -->take too much care about 으로 쓰시던가 본문에 바꾼대로 써주세요. 토픽글에서 구문 따와서 서론/결론에 본인 주장문에 쓰는 것도 괜찮은 방법입니다.
-노란 부분 이해하기 어렵습니다.
첫번째 본문
-outward show 보다는 apeparance가 적절한 표현입니다.
-파란부분 비약적인 설명/예시입니다. 동물고 그러하고 인간도 동물이니 그렇다는 설득력이 높은 설명은 아닙니다. 또한, 요즘에 외모에 강조를 많이한다가 토픽에서 중점인 부분인데, 자연의 섭리라고 하면 더 설득력이 떨어집니다.
두번째 본문
-이 본문도 같은 맥락에서 내용이 설득력이 떨어집니다. 예전부터 그랬고 지금도 그렇다는 강한 뒷받침을 해주는 설명이 아닙니다. 또한, 과거에 어떤 외모가 인기있었는지에 대한 설명은 불필요한 내용입니다. 또한, 그 외모가 인기 있었으므로 외모에 관심이 있었다는 개연성이 떨어지는 전개입니다. 거기서 오늘날까지 이어지는 부분또한 개연성이 떨어집니다.
세번째 본문
-take care of 구문. 뒤에 of를 써주세요.
-differentiate A from B 구문
-although 주어+동사, 주어+동사 로 써주는게 문법상 맞습니다. 따라서 however, nevertheless 같은 그러나의 의미를 가졌지만 좀더 단순한 문법을 쓸수있는 접속사로 써주세요.
-offer보다는 어필하다의 의미인 appeal이 더 적절합니다.
-수동태로 쓰는 것이 더 문맥상 어울립니다.
전체적으로 내용면에서 수정이 많이 필요합니다. 토픽에서 주요하게 다루는 내용이 무엇이고 내가 거기서 어떻게 내 주장을 펼칠지 더 연습해주세요.