Some people think that making a lot of
friends is important and it is superior to relationships with a few friends.
However, I disagree with them because we can get true mental stability from a
few close friends who really know us and there is not much time to be with our
sincere friends while we always have to live with many people.
To begin with, we get more consolation
from a deep and close relationship than from moderate many relationships. We
are more relieved when we are together with the
one who can truly empathize with us or who can share our most personal things
with. For example, when I was depressed with some personal problems, I went to
meetings that can meet many people to get rid of stress. However, there was is no one that I can tell my true emotions,
but rather I had to hide
my feelings I should hide them not to show my problems to those people. So, I did
not feel really better than before. When I met my close friends after that, I
felt truly comforted at last.
These days, we should meet so many
people for many reasons whether whatever
we want or not. So, there are plenty of opportunities to spend time with many
people, but, on the contrary, time to
meet very close friends is not enough. At least in our free time we need to
spend our time with the one who sincerely understand us and can have true
communication with. For example, we spend our most
of time at school or workplace, meetings that we have to attend. There are many
people but there is almost no one who we can trust and want to spend time with.
Of course, it is important to learn how to be with many different people.
However, we are in the flood of shallow and weak relationships while chance to
make a deep and genuine relationship is rare like beans sprouting in a drought.
The number
is not important thing in relationships. The quality is the thing that decides
the meaning of them. The one who can be sympathize with us is much more
valuable to us than people who we meet and part every day. We should cherish
the chance to be with the one we truly care.
Fair (20-23)
첫번째 본문
-철자 오류. relieved
-문맥상 과거이므로 is-->was
-등위접속사로 문장 이을때 접속사 전에 쉼표 붙입니다. 주어+동사, but/and/so/for 주어+동사.
-I should hide them 보다는 바꾼대로 써주는것이 더 자연스럽습니다.
-노란부분 왜 감춰야하는지에 대해 더 자세히 써주세요. 현재로서 모호하고 본인의 주장을 잘 받쳐주지 않습니다.
두번째 본문
-whether A or B 구문입니다. whether 로 써주세요.
-파란부분 서론부터 나와있는 반복입니다. 반복적으로 주장만하고 그에 대한 설명/이유가 충분하지 않습니다. 주장문이나 같은 의미의 문장 paraphrase 해서 반복하지 않는 연습해주세요. 설명과 이유를 더 풍성하게 넣는 연습을 해주셔야 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
결론
-with the one 모호합니다. 조금의 디테일한 설명 더 넣어주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~