▶ Your Answer :There is no doubt that a library gives us a million of benefits (어색한 표현입니다). They It provides us with amounts of knowledge, the place to rest, the place to study and so on (library가 gives benefits하고, provides knowledge한다는 표현이 어색합니다). It is difficult to list all the benefits of going to the library. Nonetheless we cannot ignore the priceless values of sports (이전 문장과의 흐름이 부자연스럽습니다). So, what is the invaluable value of outdoor activities? (?)
Refreshing students mind and body can be the best solution (뭐에 대한 해결책인지 써주셔야 합니다). Most students get stressed out from lots of situations and things (구체적으로 써주세요). For example, they have trouble getting along with friends and professors. The reason may be because they do not agree with each other, or they may just hate it (it이 받는 단어가 없습니다). For a second instance, they have a difficult in studying. Also, they might find their studies difficult. The reason is because their major may not suit their aptitude, or the length of the test could put a strain on them (어색한 표현입니다). Whatever the reason, college students can get a lot of pressure under these conditions. In order to escape form from these stressful situations, we should be allowed to enjoy sports. If we played sports out of the class, we could can have a good time with our friends not minding about the problems that we have what has happened to us. We do not have to worry about bad things that happened at school. We just enjoy it.
But However, Ssometimes requiring it requires a lot of money to play sports, we cannot enjoy sports freely as we want. In my experience, I love skiing but I cannot ski often. As mentioned above, it takes much money. we We need money to rent skis, to buy the ticket, to have a meal, and to choose accommodation. If we want to go skiing or snowboarding, we will need almost 200 dollars a day. This is a huge burden for students. Therefore So, I have not been to a ski slope for a long time. But if universities offered students as similar money as they give to their libraries, students can have a reviving time without big burden.
In conclusion, universities must give almost identical similar amount of money to their students' extracurricular activities as they give to their hall of knowledge. When it happens, students can get away from school and cure their tired minds. As a result, schools can give more than just the positive impact that libraries have on students. In short, supporting students' exercise activities is not a useless thing. Rather, by increasing the welfare of students, that it can help students adjust to school life.
Score: 19 Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 제시하신 포인트가 적절합니다. 설명도 논리 구조를 잘 갖춰서 해주신 것 같아요. - 뒷 부분이 더 잘 읽혔던 것 같아요. 앞에 부분에 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. - 문법 실수들이 있습니다.
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