▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that teenagers are more influenced by family anyone else than their friends. However, in my opinion, I strongly disagree with this
above statement by for the following two reasons. First, friends can change others' the other’s personality.
Second, teenagers rely on their friend than family.
>space First, friends have has a strong effect on the teenager’s personality.
This is because teenagers are not fully mature. As a result, they are easily influenced
by friends others than adults. 성숙하지 않아서 어른보다 친구들에게 영향을 더 많이 받는다는 것이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 친구들에게 더 많은 영향을 받는 이유를 논리적으로 제시할 수 있는 다른 설명이 나을 것 같아요. For example, when I was a middle school student, I was a
shy girl. So it was hard to communicate with other people. After entering the
high school, I met a friend whose name is Kim. She was the most outgoing person
I had ever met. We could easily get close because of her personality. Besides, I was
influenced by her personality, and I had started to change mine in a good way. Thanks
to her, I do not have any trouble with talking with strangers until these days. 친구에게 성격 면에서 영향을 받았던 사례만으로는 십대에게 있어서 '다른 사람보다 더' 친구의 영향이 큰 이유를 설명할 수 없습니다. >space
Second, teenagers usually rely on their friend than family. This
is because that they spend the majority of their time with friends than family
due to school. Therefore, sometimes friends know each other well than their
parents. For example, when I was a high school student, I spent time with my
friends from morning to evening because of preparing for college entrance test. So
we knew everything about each other. The good thing was that I had my side if I had
a trouble in something. They could fully understand about me and they gave me good
advice. However, if when I told something to my parents, they did not understand why I thought
like that. this. So with friends were was great encouragement during my teenage period. 마찬가지로 친구들이 나를 더 잘 이해했고 내가 의지했다는 내용만으로는 '영향력'을 보여줄 수 없습니다. 더 잘 알고 더 의존하는 것이 '영향'과 무슨 관련이 있는지 설명할 수 있어야 합니다.
To sum up, teenagers have a significant impact on their personality
and stability. In this regard, I personally think disagree that teenagers are more
influenced by anyone else than their friends than anyone else.
Comment : 친구의 영향력이 왜 더 큰지, 어떤 면에서 더 큰지를 묻고 있으므로 단순히 '친구가 잘 이해해준다'라거나 '아이들이 성숙하지 않다'라고만 설명을 마무리하면 논점에 맞지 않는 답이 됩니다. 친구의 영향력이 '어떤 측면에서' 큰지, '왜' 더 큰지를 설명할 수 있도록 논리를 더 발전시켜주세요. 비슷한 주제로 쓰인 글들을 참고하시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 어색한 표현과 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |