▶ Your Answer There might be some people who believe that
airplanes have made greater impact on society than cars. However, I personally
disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, people
utilize cars much more than airplanes. Also, car industry has a huge influence
on my country’s economy. >space
To begin with, cars are utilized much more
than airplanes. Going abroad by airplanes requires lots of both time and money,
and many people do not afford them. Most people utilize cars for moving to
their work or schools. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I
was attending university in Seoul in 80’s, the subway, which was is a the main
transportation at that time, was not in a good condition. So, my parents bought
me a car, and I went to school by my car every day. The only experience when where I
rode an airplane was for studying abroad for one year when I was a junior at
the university. If it had not been for the car, I could not have attended my
university such conveniently. 논점에 맞지 않는 답변입니다. 자동차를 더 많이 사용한다는 것이 '사회에 끼친 영향력의 크기'를 가늠하게 해줄 수는 없습니다. 문제가 질문한 것처럼 '사회적으로 끼친 영향력'에 초점을 둔 주장을 제시해주세요. >space
Secondly, car industry has a huge influence
on my country’s economy. Over the past decades, with the development of
technology, my country made a great development just in 60 years. In the middle
of this breakthrough, there was a car industry. According to recent research
done by Korea uUniversity, 80% of the respondents said that cars made by Hyundai Hyundae
and Samsung are the main income form exportation in our the country even today. They added
that if it had not been for the car industry, our the country would have taken much more
time to develop. This clearly shows that income from car industry has more effect
on our the society. 현재 주장에서는 자동차가 더 많은 영향을 미쳤다고 보는 사람들의 '의견'이 아니라 실제로 경제적인 부분에 더 큰 영향력을 미쳤음을 보여주는 신빙성 있는 '자료'를 제시하는 편이 더 적절합니다. 또한 굳이 '내 나라에서'로 한정짓지 않아도 자동차가 사회에 미친 경제적인 영향을 설명할 수 있기 때문에 보편적으로 자동차가 가져온 경제적인 영향을 설명하는 편이 설득력 면에서 더 유리할 것으로 보입니다.
>space In conclusion, frequency of people utilizing cars and influence of car industry make cars have greater impact than airplanes
on society. In this regard, I strongly believe that cars have made a greater
impact on society than airplanes.
Comment : 주제가 묻는 것은 '영향력'의 정도 비교이므로, 실제로 어떤 영향을 가져왔는지를 비교해서 그 차이가 더 크다는 점을 드러낼 수 있는 주장이 필요합니다. 자동차가 사회적으로 미친 영향이 비행기보다 더 크다는 점을 드러낼 수 있는 주장들로 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. 본론2의 경제적인 영향은 주제에 잘 부합하지만, 내용을 더 보편화해서 서술하는 편이 유리할 것 같습니다. 어색한 표현이나 고유명사 오탈자 등도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우)
- Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) |