▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that
art and music should not be mandatory school subjects along with math, history,
science and language. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the
two subsequent reasons. First, children cannot receive well-balanced education.
Also, those subjects learning math and music can be helpful for children’s future career.
To begin with, children can get
well-balanced education from by learning art and music. Even though subjects like math,
history, science, and language are so important, we can get the knowledge that is
needed when we are in society in the future (어색한 표현입니다) from subjects like art and music.
According to recent research done by Korea university, 80% of the respondents said that people who learned about art and music have wider understanding no
matter they are in any what field they are in. They added that even though they are work in for a company
which is never not related to art and music, they sometimes face meet other executives who are in those fields when they have business meetings. This clearly shows that
art and music can help children to be well-balanced educated people (어색한 표현입니다) in the
future.
Secondly, they (topic sentence에서는 대명사 쓰지 말아주세요) can be helpful to when children choose children’s their future career. If children do not learn art and music when they were in school,
they may not have any the opportunity to learn and have interest in them. Let me
bring up my personal story as an example. when When I was in high school, there was
not any were not general subjects such as art and music. But However, when I was a junior of in high
school, music subject came to be available. Actually, I was never interested in
music because I hadn’t learned did not learn it before. However however, when I took music class, I totally
enjoyed the class and I even changed my dream. After I graduated high school, I went
to university and majored in classical music. If it had not been for the music
class at that time, I would not find have found my interest in classical music.
In conclusion, art and music can help
children to be well-balanced, and can have influence on children’s future career.
In this regard, I strongly believe that art and music should been taken as be mandatory school subjects along with math, history, science, and music by
children.
Score: 18 Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 단락과 단락 사이에 엔터로 스페이싱을 넣어주세요. - 문법 실수들이 조금 있습니다. - 라이팅에서 축약형을 쓰지 않습니다. - But로 문장을 시작하지 말아주세요. - 토픽 센텐스에서는 대명사를 쓰지 않습니다. - 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - 제시하신 포인트가 적절하고 설명이 잘 되어있습니다.
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