▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that universities should not invest money in sports as much as libraries. However, in my opinion, they need to spend a significant amount of money on sports since there are many advantages. First, playing sports leads to help them make cooperation and constructive competition through group activities. Second, playing sports can prevent health problems such as osteoporosis for the woman.
To begin with, sports include a wide variety of group activities like baseball, basketball and so on. Students can learn how to cooperate with others and competition through group activities. Experiences like this will help them build a tie at work. For instance, I will talk about my cousin's case. Now, he is the youngest manager in his company, even he is 35 years old. I ask him what makes him to be promoted so fast and he replies that his experiences at university's baseball team are the main key of it. At first, he was not interested in group activities. However, with the advice of his friend, he started it from an sophomore grade. It was very hard at that time because he never participated in something which spend time with others. But now he mentions that it was very helpful for him since he learned how to cooperate with others and knew what is competition. These experiences lead to achieve well performances at work.
On top of that, sports benefit people's health. Especially, the woman's case, if they are not exercising at a young age, they would suffer from osteoporosis. bones can be strengthened by weight bearing through sports play. For instance, study conducted by a group of health science majors is a good example of this. The researchers tracked the lifestyle of 200 elderly woman over a twenty-years period in order to find out the correlation between exercising at an young age and suffering from osteoporosis. What they found was intriguing. Those who attended sports activities at university are few diagnosed osteoporosis but most of them who was not interested in sports have it. This shows that sports bring about preventing it for woman. To sum up, taking social interaction and preventing health problems in consideration, I strongly support my statement. Good: 24~30 점수: 25 일단 전체적으로 불필요한 문장을 재외하고는 잘 서술된 에세이인거같습니다. 각 바디의 예시들이 이유를 잘 서포트 해주는 거 같습니다. 특히 두 번째 바디가 가장 흥미로웠던 거 같습니다. 독자들에게 새로운 정보를 가르켜 주므로써 더더욱 이 에세이의 설득력을 높아주는 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 이 에세이가 설득력이 있는가에 많이 초점이 되어있기 때문에 앞으로 이렇게 계속 에세이를 서술하시면 더 좋은 점수가 나올거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |