▶ Your Answer :
Some people may argue that it is important for the
government to spend money on internet access than public transportation.
However, the government should spend money to improve public transportation.
This is because additional internet access is not needed, and transportation is
needed for people due to severe traffic jam.
To begin with, in my country, the government
should not invest in internet anymore because it is a not a good idea to spend money. Development of
technology has made it possible for people to access internet anywhere. Also,
government money is made up of public taxes, which means that they should have
a say of how it should be used how it is used.
If citizens start to think that the money is spent on less important matters
they are likely lose trust in the government. In fact, many people believe that
the improving internet access is not important for citizens. Therefore, the
government should not spend money in access internet. For example, in my
country, the government announced that the money is spent on additional
internet access. Many people started to protest against the new plan, with
activist rallying in front of City hall. They demonstrated to persuade the
government to reconsider the allocation of ifs money on the grounds that this
policy is not one of their priorities. Therefore, the money is not spent on
internet access.
Second, improving public
transportation is very important in my country because there are a lot of cars. All During commuting
time, many people are dealing with excessive stress on the road due to traffic
jam. Citizens already have much stress which come from competitive atmosphere
for promotion or overwork in my country. Therefore, it is necessary for people
to have improved transportation for their quality of life. For example, the
government money was spent on construction of additional subways because of severe traffic jam. This makes it
possible for public to improve their quality of life by relaxed commuting time.
Therefore, many people had been satisfied with this policy, and the government
announced that it would increase its funding on improving transportation such
as bus, and subway. Therefore, from
that time, improving internet is not needed for citizens than improving public
transportation.
Fair (17-19)
첫번째 본문 -not a good idea 어순 유의해주세요. -to spend money 불필요합니다. 앞에 should not invest in 에서 돈의 사용이 내포됩니다. -중간에 how it is used 보다는 of how it should be used 에서 돈이 어떻게 쓰여야 하는가에 대한 should의 느낌이 더 문맥상 적절합니다. -중간에 therefore, the goverment~ 반복되는 문장이므로 불필요합니다. -본문 전체적으로 인터넷에 투자할 필요가 없고 국민들도 그렇게 느낀다고 반복적으로 나와있는데 그것에 대한 이유는 언급되지 않습니다. 이유없이 주장만 반복적으로 나열하는 것은 설득력이 떨어집니다. 좀더 구체적인 이유와 설명을 해주세요. 두번째 본문 -a lot of 복수이므로 car-->cars -all 보다는 during이 더 자연스럽습니다. -such as A and B 중간에 and 필요합니다. -마지막 문장 불필요합니다. 갑자기 첫본문의 연장선같은 내용의 문장이 나왔습니다. 지워주세요. -첫본문보다는 내용이 괜찮습니다. 하지만, 결과적으로 교통에 투자하여 더 좋았다 보다는 이러이러해서 교통에 투자하는 것이 더 마땅하다는 이유와 설명을 들으셔야 더 서득력이 오라갑니다. 또한, 삶의 질이 올라간 것에 대한 통계자료나 구체적 예시를 드시면 더 타당한 논리가 됩니다.
내용면에서 연습해주세요. 문법/표현도 더 자연스러울 수 있도록 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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