▶ Your Answer : Opinions might be divided over whether infringe upon people's freedom is acceptable. People of various ages and from different walks of life may take diverse positions on the controversial issue. I side with the perspective that it is not justified to divest people's freedom for the following two reasons: social disorder and the fact that people who usually infringe upon people's freedom will go to jail.
To begin with, if infringing upon people's freedom is acceptable, it will cause serious social disorder. Many people nowadays are living in a plausible reason. Opponents of my perspective claim that losing looting people's freedom is acceptable to obtain their gain. Advocates' claim might be reasonable enough on the surface. However, if we take a closer look at their contentions, the rationale for their assertions lacks logic in many ways. Moreover, my personal experience can definitely debunk their assertions. When I hang out with others in social online game, we generally make a group and collaborate with others to defeat boss. However, if one of members start to infringe upon other members, it will causes other member do this action successively. Therefore, the group will be disoriented. The same applies to most circumstances.
Besides, people go to the jail when they infringe upon people's freedom. In addition to my personal anecdote, many articles from different newspapers reaffirm my viewpoints. For example, a few weeks ago, I read an op-ed piece from the Korea Herald that is related to the topic. It describes the result of a survey, which was conducted by Seoul National University social science researchers with more than 500 people as respondents who had gone to the jail. Of the 500 people, over 80 percent answered that the reasons of their arrest were infringement upon others' freedom. This clearly proves that people who make a habit of infringe upon others freedom will go to the jail.
As I mentioned above, based on the two reasons. I can conclude that infringement upon others freedom is a fault action and this leads to negative result. Therefore, it is not acceptable.
Fair (17-23)
첫번째 본문 -파란 부분 이해어렵습니다. plausible reason 안에 산다는 것이 어떤 뜻인지 설명해주세요. -철자 오류 -끝에 파란 부분도 이해어렵습니다. 상황을 더 잘 이해가 가도록 설명해주세요.
두번째 본문 -이유에 대한 설명 없이 서베이에서 그런 결과가 나왔다는 것 만으로 설명이 충분하지 않습니다. 어떤 식으로 감옥에 가게 되는지 써주세요. 또한, 감옥에 간다는 결론은 극단적인 결론입니다. 따라서, 더더욱이 충분한 이유 설명이 필요합니다.
내용에 대해 보충/개선해주세요. 현재로서는 예시/결론 위주이고 이유/설명이 충분하지 않아 설득력이 떨어집니다. 수고하셨습니다~~
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