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These days, some people take it for granted that experiencing sports or other dangerous activities is not good for people. However, contrary to this idea, it is clear that doing dangerous sports or other activities allows people to get a job in the future and to increase their motivation.
To begin with, doing dangerous activities can help to get a job in the future. This is mainly because people who enjoy dangerous activities have the sense of a positive mind such as solving the problems, managing difficult works. Moreover, as modern society is becoming has become increasingly specialized and competitive, most companies require the job applicants with such attributes. For example, my father, a boss of the electric power corporation, often tells me that the job interview is the important component in employing people. My father and other interviewers mainly look at the job applicants' knowledge and skills like managing difficult tasks and challenging job for the company's work performance. This implies that doing dangerous activities is a secure way for people to prepare for the future. 주제와 어긋나는 거 같습니다. 뭔가 개연성이 부족하다고 느낍니다. 왜 익스트림한 스포츠를 즐기는 사람이 직업을 얻는데 에 있어 장점을 가지고 있는지에 대한 연관성이 부족한 거 같습니다. 간단하게 말하자면 예시가 이유를 서포트 못하고 있습니다. 예시 자체가 이 부분이랑은 맞지 않다라는 느낌이 듭니다.
In addition, doing dangerous activities can increase people's motivation. The fundumental fundamental reason is that compared to in comparison to doing easy works, a lot of effort to solve should be utilized to solve their dangerous activities and satisfaction with it can be a facilitator which motivates people to perform better and to imporve improve themselves. Therefore, this will bring about a good outcome in school or work. For example, my youngest brother used to be negligent and lost interest in school life. However, since he started to learn about raising hiking dangerous mountains, he has changed little by little changed gradually. As a result, he has became mature became matured and self-disciplined. The reason was that my brother felt a sense of achievement and confidence by finishing climbing mountain. To On top of that, he became to spend became spending more time studying to study, to follow instructions well, and to submit assignment on time in school. Without trying dangerous activities, he would not have been able to realize the sense of accomplishment.
All things considered, doing dangerous activities enables people to obtain a job in the future and to enhance their motivation. All in all, the importance of doing dangerous activities cannot be overestimated for people. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 가장 문제가 되는 부분은 첫 번째 바디입니다. 첫 번째 바디는 주제와 어긋났습니다. 즉 이유와 예시가 서로 연관성가 개연성이 없어 보입니다. 좀 더 주제와 맞는 예시를 사용하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 위에 첨삭한 것을 보면 알 수 있듯이 에세이를 서술할 때 문법적 오류에 집중하시면 좋을 거 같습니다. 제가 참석한 것을 보시고 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |