▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, people's effort to succeed does not account as much effective as as much as past days, because there are many ways to succeed in their societies such as, a book that introduces how can we succeed in our life, and a lot of advice from a senior member. In this sense, Luck has effected people's succeed affected people's success for the following reasons.
To begin with, luck can help people to success succeed. People can increase their rate of success by working hard, but this factor does not always effective show effective result. Most of people are working hard at their project or work but if luck does (동사 필요) not affect in their work, they spent a myriad of time to succeed, because of coincidence. Generally, succeed is meaning means getting a great job with high salary, or obtaining famous and fame reputation. However, if the job opening has delayed or they are stumble in to bad situations, success was ruined by them. For instance, when I was student, I got a normal score, so I believed that I would fall at university that I applied. However, I went to university, because the person who in front of me gave up his opportunity to go to college. After that, I thought luck is crucial thing in people life. 예시가 윗 부분들을 서포트 하지 않습니다. 다른사람이 포기했기 때문에 대학교를 붙었다라고 서술하셨는데 이런 것 보다는. 윗 설명 처럼 운을 통해 자신을 향상 시키게 되었다라는 식으로 서술했어도 좋을 거 같습니다.
Moreover, people cannot success only the succeed only from hard work. Luck is one of important factor, because people cannot control their environment. People cannot avoid risk by themselves since no one know the future. However, luck can help you by giving proper environment to success succeed. For instance, my friends wanted to be an actor. However, his family got poor finance, he cannot go to acting school. Fortunately, the supervisor of actor company collected him, when he just did part-time job at cafe. Therefore, he got aid from the company and could learn skills of acting. If he was not lucky, he could not get these financial aid from company.
To sum up, luck is important thing to success by giving the fast way to success and help to success for coincidence. I believe that luck is linked with success. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 첫 번째 바디 부분에서는 문제가 있었습니다. 바로 예시와 윗 부분 설명들이 서로 개연성이나 연관 성이 보이지가 않앗습니다. 하지만 바디 두에서는 바디 원 가다르게 아주 논리적으로 에세이를 서술하였고 흥미있게 읽을 수 있게 되었습니다. 특히 두 번째 바디 부분에서의 예시는 정확하게 설명을 서포트 해줬습니다. 약간의 문법적 오류들이 있었지만 전체적인 에세이 플로우는 방해하지 않았습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |
|