▶ Your Answer :
Many people think that, in this competitive
society, being patient is an effective way to succeed since they believe patiencet makes good result in every group projects.
Contrary to the popular belief, I think that being patient is not isn’t a wonderful way to succeed for
these reasons; leadership needs charisma, not always listening and enduring other’s
opinion, and being patient may lead to lose one’s individuality.
First of all, leadership, which is essential to
survive in competitive and complex society, needs charisma, not a patiencet. There are lots of group projects both in
schools and companies these days. And it is obvious that, many groups have a
conflict during group projects. At that time, members find leader as a decider.
If the leader of the team act patiently and listen to all member’s opinion
trying to accept every idea, team may need lots of time to solve problem, and
sometimes who did wrong may not understand about his wrong behavior. For
example, when I was in grade 6, I was the leader of my team. One day team
members fought each other since one of the team members did not didn’t do his duty well, and by him, every member
was angry. At that time, I told strongly to him about other members’ feeling,
and as a result, he did his duty well after then since he felt what was his
problem was. However, my friend’s team who had a
similar situation, just became patient and tried to persuade other members not
to fight, and finally got “F” since wrong
student did not didn’t think he was so
bad and did not didn’t change her
behavior. It means that sometimes strongly saying is better than being patient.
Secondly, being patient may lead to lose one’s
individuality. There is a saying that people have to reflect their opinion
accurately in every situation. If not, they may lose their personality and just
have to follow other’s opinion. For instance, Steve Jobs, the founder of an
Apple, always claimed his idea, if he thought it was right. I found in the
internet that, he could succeed because he never acted patiently about others’ opinion. He thought, if other’s idea is wrong, he
should correct it, not just following it. If he always acted patiently, he could not couldn’t try to make the “smart
phone”, since, no one of his team believed he could do and no one said he may
succeed. But, he believed his idea and finally succeeded. By this, we can know
that, to keep our individuality, we should not be always patient to others.
I believe that being patient
is not always helpful for our success for the reasons I have mentioned above.
If people have a charisma, and not
always being patient, they may become a good leader, have a great
individuality,
and finally they can live a higher quality of life.
Good (24–30) 서론 -believe 동사 이미 있으므로 patient명사형으로 써주세요. patience -축약형 지양해주세요. isn't-->is not
첫번째 본문 -patience -축약형 지양
두번째 본문 -축약형 지양 -네번째 줄에서, others opinion 소유격으로 써주세요. others' opinion 내용 두 본문 다 괜찮습니다. 언급된 부분들 개선해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
|