▶ Your Answer :
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether young
people enjoy life more than older people do. It may seem true that today
younger people enjoy their life much more. However, as it is contemplated in
depth, there appears to be too much absurdity to argue that the aforementioned
statement is true. Although some people hold different ideas and opinions, I
personally believe that it is hard to demonstrate which people more enjoy their
life between young and older people.
We first should consider "what is the
enjoyment?". The definition of 'enjoyment' differs between young and older
people, even depends on each person. Although young people and older people do
the same activity, one group can enjoy it but the other cannot do. Some people
like to stay in a silence silent and then
they feel pleasure, while on the other hand, others do not enjoy calm
atmosphere, but loud and crowded such as clubbing. Likewise, what they enjoy
can be completely different.
For example, young people today enjoy going on a
trip to other countries in fact. They sometimes go backpacking to tough
environment as well as no money trip. Although they spend too terrible time
during the period of travelling, there are attractions and valuable experiences
that only can be acquired in the harsh trips. So, many young people would like
to go where they have not gone. By contrast, do older people feel that
enjoyment like the young people when they travel there? I can confidently say,
"Definitely NO". The older people do not want arduous trips but
comfortable because they do not have much energy to travel a lot of places.
However, is there no what older people enjoy? They also have their own ways to
enjoy their life. Actually, I do not know precisely that way. But, my
grandmother really likes patching and reading poetry. When she does those, she
looks so happy. To be honest, I do not understand which points of them make
her pleasure.
To conclude, we cannot
measure the enjoyment of people, since it is different to feel the enjoyment
depending on an individual. Even if we do not understand other people’s
enjoyment one another, we should admit them.
Fair (17-23)
첫번째 본문 -a 뒤에는 명사
두번째 본문 -줄친 부분 불필요합니다. 개인의 감정/논리에서 벗어난 사적인 생각은 토플에서 지양해주세요.
토플에서 중립을 유지하여 글쓰기를 하는 것은 위험합니다. 한쪽 의견을 드는 것보다 고득점을 하기 어렵습니다. 한 쪽 의견으로 서론+본문1+본문2+결론 의 형태로 써주세요. 또한, 예시만 따로 본문을 만들지말고 본문 하나당 thesis sentence+reason+example+restatement 의 형태로 써주세요. 예시에서도, 본인이 older people이 아니니, older people의 enjoyment에 대해서 많이 쓰지 못하셨습니다. 그럴 경우에는 중립의 의견이 완전히 지켜지지도 않고 따라서 글의 설득력이 떨어집니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
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