▶ Your Answer : It is often said that government should spend invest more in supporting are more support in museums and music performances than recreational facilities. This is because people can appreciate music by attending art museums and music performances programs by governments. However, I disagree with the idea and believe that the governments should spend more money on recreational facilities rather than others. In this essay, I will present a couple of rationals behind my logic.
To begin with, recreational facilities make people more healthy. This is due to the fact that people are able to readily have an access to recreational facilities. This is because if government spend more money in building recreational facilities, recreational facilities can be used at a cheaper price. For example, one year ago, Korea government spent more money on recreational facilities, so a public swimming pool was built. Before the advent of the swimming pool, I did not exercise anything. On the other hand, after swimming pool was built, I joined swimming class on a regular basis. Taking swimming class made me more healthy since I sweat a lot when I swim. 일단 본인의 에세이를 읽고 난 후 왜 수영장이나 놀이터에 정부가 돈을 투자를 해야하는 지 알 수 있었습니다. 하지만 전반적으로 바디 가 짧습니다. 핵심적인 부분이 많이 빠졌다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 이렇게 바디를 끝내는 것 보다 좀 더 살을 붙일 수 있는 구체적인 설명들이 들어가면 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
Furthermore, recreational facilities allows allow people to have a good relationship with others. This is because people can meet new people in the recreational facilities. Thus, people are able to communicate with them. By communicating with many different kinds of people, people can learn about how to deal with other people and how to solve to problems. To be specific, when I joined the public swimming class, I met plenty of people in the swimming pool and had a conversation with classmates. There are is a wide range of the people in the swimming pool including elementary school students and grandfathers. Thus, taking swimming lecture with them allows me to learn about social skills. After taking the swimming class, I could communicate with various aged people. 일단 예시 부분이 설명이 빈약합니다. taking swimming lecture with them allows me to learn about social skills라고 명시 되어있는데. 이 사람들을 만나서 어떠한 social skill이 늘게 되었고 왜 이런 것이 좋은지 에 대한 설명이 없는 거 같습니다. 보다 에세이가 짧기 때문에 이러한 설명이 들어가야할 거 같습니다.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that government should invest in supporting recreational facilities with two reasons. First, investing more money in recreational facilities makes people more healthy since people can easily join healthy programs. Moreover, people can increase social skills in attending recreational programs by governments. Thus, I believe that government should spend more money on building recreational programs rather than others. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 전반적으로 논리적으로 에세이를 풀어나갔습니다. 특히 구체적인 설명에서 예시로 넘어가는 부분이 아주 매끄럽게 이어나갓습니다. 하지만 이 에세이에서 가장 문제가 되는 부분은 전체적으로 에세이가 짧다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 뭔가 각 바디가 핵심적인 부분이 빠졌다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 위에서 첨삭한 부분을 보시고 참고하면 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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