▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that a country should improve agriculture or access to affordable housing in order to succeed. However, in my opinion, it is more important for the country to give more chances to work for the unemployed people public for the following reasons: first of all, it would help the country’s financial state. Second, it ameliorates the country’s security. To begin with, creating new jobs would promote the government’s financial development. To be specific, if they give the unemployed people chances to work, it would increase the amount of produced goods. It finally leads to the prosperity of the government by exporting the products to abroad or being sold in domestic markets. For example, January last year, the government in my country gave the unemployed people new jobs. As a result, the unemployment rate was decreased from 13% to 5%, and simultaneously some reports from government agencies indicated that the government’s economics was also alleviated. This was because the more people worked, the more products were produced and consumed in the country and abroad. On top of that, giving the unemployed people new jobs would be helpful for their mental health. Specifically, they get a lot of stress because they are under pressure to seek a new job and financial burden. As a result, they are likely to commit suicide or attempt to robbery. Needless to say, these results would exacerbate the country’s security. Therefore, the government should resolve the employment problem and they can do this by giving them chances to earn money. I know this from my personal experience. A few years ago, my friend experienced unemployment for a long time, and he got depressive disorder and even stoled groceries in a market due to the pressure to get a new job and poverty. However, before long, he was able to get a new job through the government’s new policy to give a job fortunately, and no longer stoled anything. To sum up, making jobs for the unemployed people would be helpful for the government in that it promotes the production of goods and their export and import. In addition, it contributes to the public’s mental health and the country’s security by decreasing the unemployed people’s pressure and hunger ry. In this regard, I firmly believe that the government should create new jobs in order to achieve prosperity and success.
Good (24–27)
서론 -~를 위해 라는 뜻의 for을 넣어주시면 더 자연스러운 문맥이 됩니다. -the public은 대중이라는 뜻이지, 실업자들을 반드시 내포하는 뜻은 아닙니다. 구체적인 단어로 써주세요. 첫번째 본문 -철자오류 unemployed 실업자들 -~로 인해 by ~ing 로 써주세요. -실업률이 떨어진 것이니 unemployment rate
두번째 본문 -자살을 하다는 commit suicide 구문입니다. 결론 -contribute to -병렬 구조라서 pressure 명사와 맞춰 명사형인 hunger로 쓰는 것이 좋고, 의미상도, 배고픔 감소 배고프다 감소 보다 자연스러운 문법입니다.
본문 2개 다 내용 괜찮습니다. 실수들, 특히 철자 오류는 글에 혼란을 줄 수 있으니 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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