▶ Your Answer :며칠 뒤에 시험을 보는데요. 지난번 시험들의 라이팅 점수가 24-27 점에 머무릅니다. 28-30점을 받으려면 무엇에 집중하여 고쳐야 할까요? 주장에 대한 근거 2개가 강력한 소제이고, 두번 째 문단에 썼듯이 누나 아버지 얘기 등 사적인 소제로 예를 드는 것이 고득점을 받는데 문제가 없는지 알려주세요. 또, 기본 내용은 유지하면서 글을 좀 더 짧게 쓰고 싶어요. 시간이 5분 모잘라서요. 아래 글은 530자 입니다. 조언 부탁드려요.
Young people know how to find fun activities, and
older people need to spend more time to take care of their family members. For
these two reasons, I believe young people enjoy life more than older people do.
First of all, young people easily find fun activities
they can enjoy on internet, so they tend to enjoy life more than older people
do. Nowadays, internet provides information for interesting outdoor activities
to participate in and resources to make a hobby at home, such as travel guides,
locations of recent hot places for delicious food, and how to make resources
using usual materials for home decorations. Young people than old people have
been more prone to internet services in general. They can search these tips and
crucial information to join and utilize these activities using internet search
engines without a great effort. Sometimes they can easily obtain useful
information while surfing on the several social network services, such reading
posts from their Facebook friends. However, the old people are not used to utilize
those web services. Instead of using internet, they mostly obtain such
information through television and radio or conversion with their old friends.
It is obvious that these routes are somewhat limited comparing to internet in
terms of the amount of information available and effectiveness for searching
tips for activities. Thus, young people can easily gain important sources to
enjoy their life using internet than older people can do through their primary
routes.
Second of all, older people tend to save their time that
can be used for enjoying their life than young people while taking care of
their family members. In general, young people do not have responsibility to
feed their family members and raise up sons and daughters whereas older people
need to earn money and time to prepare their support for their family members:
for example, they need to earn some extra money for paying the tuition of their
daughters. Thus, due to the pressure to earn more money and spend their time to
take care of other family members, they tend to save some time otherwise they
can use the time and money to enjoy their live. My father works ten hours
everyday, which includes weekends in order to earn more money to pay the
university tuition that my brother may need in one year later. Thus, he does
not have time to enjoy his hobbies due to the limited time and pressure for the
preparation. On the other hand, my older sister who has not married yet enjoy
her life by attending two out-of-campus social activities and planning and
doing au euro trip every summer. Her life style to enjoy her life is possible
because she is young and accordingly her responsibility for their family
members are low.
All in all, I believe young people can enjoy life more
than older people for two reasons: young people can find more activities and
resources through internet easily than older people can do with their primary
routes to find those sources, and older people tend to save their time to enjoy
their life for their responsibility to take care of their family members. |