Some people think the past is not important for us to overcome problems we face today. However, in my opinion, the past helps us to get through hard times in many ways.
To begin with, we are able to figure out solutions from what we have encountered before. The experiences always let people do things easily. For example, I got in fight with my friend last year, and that gave me an idea about how to fix things. There was were always disappointment toward each other since we lived in the same room. She would always leave her stuff everywhere and not clean it. On the other hand, she did not like me that I did not wake up to work out with her since though I had promised to do it. Eventually, we ended up yelling at each other about what we had have done. I did not know what to do, but she started a conversation to make a neutral point. That taught me how to talk to work things out. I am living with a different girl this year, but there is not any significant argument since we every time we are not happy with something. 과거에 있었던 비슷한 문제를 통해 문제해결법을 배울 수 있다는 요지는 주제에 부합하지만 설명이 부족하고 사례 내용이 주장과 잘 맞지 않습니다. 예전에 있었던 과거 일을 정확히 이해함으로써 현재 생기는 문제에 잘 맞는 해결책을 어떻게 찾아낼 수 있는지 설명해주세요.
On top of that, being able to overcome the past will make you stronger. Some people stay in the past regretting what they have did done. This does not affect them in a positive way at all. For instance, my brother once failed on his exam. He kept crying because it was the biggest one in that year. I told him the exam is not everything; he has already learned that time management is important, so he should work on it next time. That had him find a new method like getting a stopwatch to watch his time. 본론1과 큰 차이가 없는 내용입니다. 두 개의 구별되는 주장으로 입장을 뒷받침할 수 있도록 각각 더 주장을 발전시켜주세요. 현재 본론은 과거를 이해하는 것에 대한 내용이 아니라 어려운 일을 겪어도 나중에 극복할 수 있다는 식의 논조이기 때문에 논점이 맞지 않습니다.
To sum up with, being able to solve problems is important, and how to do you are doing it is much more important. The past might bring you a difficult time, but also be a helpful teacher for life. In this regard, I think understanding the past is significant to being able to break through the distractions toward us.
Comment :
본론 부분에서 내용 전개가 아쉬운 점들이 많았어요. 과거를 이해하는 것이 '왜' 어려움을 극복하는 데 도움을 주는지 더 구체적인 이유로 정리해서 내용을 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 두 본론의 분량이 비슷하게 유지되도록 구성해주시는 것이 좋아요. 시제 표현에서 문법 오류가 많은 편이니 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5
An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우)
- Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우)
- Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task
(설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
(답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)