▶ Your Answer :
Some
people might say that parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or
movies for their child. However, I strongly believe that watching TV programs
or movies could be helpful to child to do well in school. There are several
factors on which my viewpoint is based.
To
begin with, watching TV programs or movies could be helpful to a child
educationally. To explain, there are many educational programs on TV. Also,
watching not only educational programs but also talk shows or dramas is useful
to improve linguistic ability. For example, in my case, I am Korean, and I
learned English in school. However, I did not have many opportunities to listen to real English, so I watched American dramas and movies to improve my English
skill. When I started to watch American dramas, I couldn’t could not understand what the
story is about, but I could watch the dramas without subtitles a year later (왜 이러한 변화가 오게 되었는지에 대한 설명이 필요할 거 같아요). Moreover,
watching American dramas and movies brought me to get high scores in English
class in high school. To sum up, a child can do well in school through watching
educational TV programs or watching foreign TV dramas.
Secondly, it is important to relieve stress
well to do in order to do well in school. To be specific, limiting the hours of watching TV
programs or movies may be a good way to increase studying time. However,
studying constantly without any break time leads to get a lot of stress, and it
makes a child to do not focus on a class in school perfectly in the long run (문법적으로 이상합니다 설명이 필요한 부분입니다).
Therefore, a child needs to have own way to manage stress, and watching TV
programs or movies could be a way to that. In short, a child may use watching
TV programs or movies as relieving stress, then a child can concentrate more on
classes in school.
In
conclusion, I disagree with the given statement based on the two reasons above. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 결론이 일단 너무 짧습니다. 좀 더 길게 서술하시면 좋을 거 같아요. 또한 각 바디의 설명이 전체적으로 조금 빈약 한거 같습니다. 문장마다 구체적 설명없이 장황하게 서술한 느낌이 듭니다. 이러한 부분을 고쳐 주시길 바랍니다. 또한 바디 2에서는 필요하지 않는 문장들이 있습니다. 문법적으로도 고쳐야 할 부분도 좀 있었던 거 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다.
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