▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
traveling plays a significant role in people’s lives in many of the places
where they work and play. Some people think that traveling to foreign countries
have has more advantages compared to in comparison to traveling around their own countries but
others do not country. Both sides have their own reasons to support their views. If I were
asked to choose one, I would say that people can benefit more from traveling to
foreign countries than traveling around their own countries. There are several
reasons as follows.
To
begin with, when people travel to other nations, it allows them to mingle well with
people from different backgrounds. It exposed them to different lifestyles,
customs and cultures. Such exposure is likely to help them acknowledge that
different values exist, understand this diversity and to ultimately be
comfortable with it (마지막 문장을 좀 더 다르게 고쳐야 할 거 같아요, 이부분 때문에 전체적인 문장이 run on sentence가 됩니다.). For example, when I was eight years old, I saw one of my
classmates from Ethiopia eating his meal with bare hands. I felt really
uncomfortable by his behavior since it was my first time seeing someone like
that. I kept my distant from him and I sometimes made fun of him. However, I
changed little by little after traveling to Africa during my vacation with my
parent because most of Africa people ate their food with bare hands. I got used
to this cultural difference (run on sentence). I realized that we just had different eating
styles. After the vacation, I made a sincere apology to my friends. I no longer
feel awkward and can make friends with them. Without traveling to foreign
countries, I would not have been able to understand their cultures.
All
things considered, the advantages of traveling different countries far outweigh
those of traveling their own countries for the reasons I have mentioned above.
All in all, importance of traveling out of their nation cannot be overestimated
in the pursuit of success in life. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 일단 큰 문제는 인트로에서는 여러개의 이유가 있다고 했는데 정작 바디는 하나입니다. 논지가 어긋나는 부분 이지요. 독립형 에세이에서는 적어도 2 개 이상의 이유를 쓰셔야 설득력이 높아집니다. 비록 작성자처럼 이유 하나에 구체적인 설명과 예시들을 넣을 수 있지만. 더 높은 점수를 받기 위해서는 2개 이상의 이유가 필요합니다. |