▶ Your Answer :
Many students are seen studying even in a
subway or while walking on the street. A topic whether studying is important is
very controversial in this academic age. Some argue that it is more necessary
to play a lot when you are a child people are young, indeed there would not be enough time to
have a free time after becoming an adult due to working hard a lot of work. However, in my
opinion, I claim that studying is important.
First
of all, studying is necessary for children to fill their brain with bountiful
knowledge. They are inclined to read a lot of books which contain a lot of
helpful information to study. For instance, let me give an example of my
brother’s experience. He is now a student in the college. To go to a good
university, he must be clever and finally go to Seoul’s university after
hard-studying. My brother mentions that he could achieve his goal by reading a
lot of books. (설명이 빈약한 거 같아요 왜 많은 공부량이 사람들에게 명문대로 진학 할 수 있는 길이 되는지에 대한 구체적인 설명이 좀 더 필요할 거 같습니다)
Secondly, studying enlarges the possibility of
having a nice good career. Jobs are divided into three types. One is a work using
only brain. The other is using both hands and brain. The another is using an
entire body. Among these three, the first one may be the most comfortable one.
For example, there are doctor, a lawyer, and vet. To get this job is very
difficult, but when you study hard when you are a child, the range of
possibility of accomplishing your dream will be extended.(설명이 너무 부족해요)
In conclusion there were main two reasons
stated that supports my opinion. One was related with children filling their
head with helpful information. The other is that brings a hope in the future by
having a good job. According to these reasons, I strongly assert that studying
is important. Fair:17~23 점수: 19 전체적으로 에세이가 너무 짧습니다. 구체적인 이유와 설명 또한 많이 부족한 거 같아요. 좀 더 많은 구체적인 설명이 필요할 거 같습니다. 에세이가 너무 짧기 때문에 주제에 대한 설득력이 부족한 거같습니다. 독립형 에세이 점수에 문법도 중요하지만 가장 중요한게 본인이 주제에 대한 자신의 이유로 상대방을 설득할 수 있는가가 가장 중요한데. 설득력이 부족한 에세이인거 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다.
|