▶ Your Answer : There are different views on influence of advertising to people. Some people think that advertising influence influences (advertising은 단수 주어 입니다) people’s behavior badly by luring, deceiving and tricking. While, others point to wider role of advertisement in our society. In my opinion, I firmly believe that advertising make our lives badly for the following reasons our life worsened for the following subsequent reasons . First of all, advertising makes hollow expectation about their goods to sell them about the product (이유에 대한 설명을 구체적으로 하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For instance, advertising for loan-sharking creates unrealistic expectation about effectiveness of loan and conceal its side effect concealing its side effect. Someone who take takes (someone은 단수 주어 입니다) these loan-sharking by advertisement destroys their economic life because actually information in advertisement had been selected and edited. Therefore, customers don’t have any crucial information for them. As a result, they wouldn't handle their loan. do not have any crucial information for them (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) Secondly, advertising waste people’s mental resources. wastes people's mental For instance, Microsoft, one of the most huge IT company in the world, make advertisement about their business ethic takes great care on the business ethic. The advertisement describe describes (advertisement는 단수 주어 입니다) their employees likely to work in good work circumstance. But actually they didn’t. The employees worked in very vulnerable to industrial accident. Kind of these advertisements deceive people and avoid critics about companies Lastly, advertisement cause causes economic unproductively. In market economy people purchase their goods by their needs. But advertisements distort people’s real needs by advertising dazzlingly. People who distorted their needs play by inappropriate reason in the market. This is the main reason of the inefficient of modern economy. In conclusion, I strongly believe that advertising is bad for society. All things considered it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have huge impact on our future.
점수: 22 세 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 부족합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 이유를 설명하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다. 문법적인 요인에 있어서는 단수 복수 주어에 따른 올바른 동사 형태를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 독립형 에세이에서는 세 가지 이유는 너무 장황합니다. 좀 더 간결하게 두 가지 이유로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |