▶ Your Answer :
Some people think
advertising doesn’t does not (일단 에세이에서는 줄인말을 사용하면 안됩니다) affect people’s eating habits because it has no direct relationship
with that (that이 무엇인지 정확하게 말해 주고 있지 않기 때문에 필요가 없습니다). However, in my opinion, an advertisement is main cause of unhealthy
eating habits. There are following two reasons why I claim it. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, to
induce people to consume unhealthy food, advertising suggests only pleasant feelings,
concealing its harmful effects on a human’s body. Coke is a good example of
this. A commercial of coke implies cool and sparkling images such as young
people jumping and running with delight. It never shows the fact that coke is a
significant aggravating factor on teeth erosions and esophagitis has significantly brought about negative impact on teeth. By this way,
people who are exposed to the advertisement easily drink coke to share the
positive feelings I mentioned, without warnings of unpleasant influence on
their health. Another example is beer. Neither drunken people nor
alcohol-induced diseases expresses a beer advertisement. On the other hand, it merely
shows that people relieve all stress through drinking. (한 단락에 두 개의 예시를 서술하는 것 보다는 한 예시를 묘사를 잘하는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다)
On top of that, some
advertisements just advantage of food, apart from nutrients and other negative
aspects related to health (어떤 말을 하려고 하는 건가요? 설명이 필요해 보입니다). For example, an advertisement of retort pouches and
frozen food worsens the way people eat. It just emphasizes that cooking the
food is so convenient and quick that they are necessary for a busy modern life.
Plus, people in the advertisement are always good-looking and slender, obscuring
that the products contain a lot of additives and cause chronic illnesses like
obesity and diabetes. This rises patients who suffer from those diseases as well
as purchases of retort pouches and frozen food, leading to a serious social
problem.
In this sense,
advertisement provide people with not only distorted impressions but also partial
advantages of unhealthy food, hiding negative impacts on people’s health. Hence,
advertisement is to blame mainly for undesirable diet for health.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 이해가 안되는 부분들이 몇 개 가 있습니다. 따라서 이 부분들의 내포하는 의미가 무엇인지를 정확하게 먼저 전달을 하는 것이 가장 중요할 거 같습니다. 또한 너무 예시 중점인 에세이인거 같습니다. 첫 번째 같은 경우에는 구체적은 설명에 대해서는 짧게 묘사하고 있지만 예시만 해도 두 개가 포함하고 있습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 예시에 중점을 두는 것 보다는 구체적인 설명에 중점을 더 두는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|