■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.
■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer
▶ Topic : What are some of the qualities of a a good parent? Use specific details and examples to explain your answer.
▶ Your Answer : Parents play a huge role in their children’s life, in that they are the first adults whom children first meet after birth. Considering the fact that parents are instructors and guardians of children, It is really important to be a good parents. As far as I’m concerned, I believe that these are definitely the qualities of good parents. there are two qualities good parents should have (좋은 부모님들의 쟁점을 언급하시지 않았기 때문에 definitely the qualities는 적절치 않는 문장인 거 같습니다)
First, parents should trust their children, no matter what they do. Since parents are the first adults that children face, they often become the most valuable people, or even the first role-model of the children (이 설명과 부모님이 아이들을 믿어야 하는 것이랑 무슨 관련이 있는 건가요?). In this case, if parents don’t believe their children and keep doubting on them, children will hurt much and soon be surrounded by the feeling that there is no ally in their life do not believe children, students do not have someone who can deeply believe in. Therefore, in order to improve children’s self-esteem, it is really important to show trust, unless there is a certain evidence.
Second, parents should not try to control every action of their children. Some parents think that children are their possession, so they can manipulate their children to do whatever they want, but this is really dangerous thought, because it hinders the children to fully grow to a independent adults. It is obvious that someday children have to leave their parents’ house and stand alone, but if they already became too used to being controled by someone, they will struggle finding what, or how to do something. Once I saw a friend in university who even wasn’t able to peel apples off by himself. To prevent our children from growing like this, we should teach them how to complete various daily tasks by themselves, rather than controling them.
To sum up, I believe that Showing trust and not controlling over them are the most important aspect of good parents, for the aforementioned reasons.
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일단 각 단락에 서로 갖고 있는 오류들이 있습니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 많았습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현 들 때문에 전체적으로 이 단락에서 하고자 하는 전달력을 방해하고 있는 거 같습니다. 따라서 제가 첨삭한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 불필요한 부연설명들이 있습니다. 이러한 부연 설명들은 에세이를 장황하게 만들기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.