▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that the internet which can access lots of information makes problems rather than giving valuable information. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. With the internet, we can deal with problems which occur unexpectedly and learn many useful skills. To begin with, thanks to the internet we can handle problems which happen all of sudden in our daily life unexpected problems. If laptop or television don’t work and there is some error code on the screen, we usually search the meaning of the error code on the internet do not work because of error code on the screen, we search the information to fix (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). Let me bring up my personal experience as an example. When For example when (let me~같은 표현은 너무 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I was in college my laptop didn’t turn on all of sudden, so I looked up some information on Youtube how to fix the problem when a laptop doesn’t turn on. Thanks to some tips on Youtube, I eventually solve the problem. If it hadn’t been for the internet, I would have gone to a service center which can cost me a lot. On top of that, by using the internet we can learn many useful skills anytime and anywhere. Today most people have smart devices such as a smartphone, tablet pc or laptop. Through these devices, we can improve our abilities such as learning foreign languages, getting certificates and job-related materials. Let me bring up my wife’s story as an example. She For example, my wife wanted to work in a Chinese software company. Working for a Chinese corporation requires Chinese exquisitely, but she didn’t have enough time to go to a language institute did not have enough time to study Chinese language. For this reason, I suggested her studying online Chinese lecture by laptop. It is very convenient and saves time and money. As a result, she could take that job. If it hadn’t been for the internet, she could not have gotten the current job which she really wanted to have. In conclusion, with the internet, we can not only solve daily problems but also can get lots of useful skills. In this regard, I agree with the view that the internet offers people tremendous amounts of valuable information.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 전반적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해합니다 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 예시를 시작할 때 너무 구어체 입니다. 이러한 부분을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |