▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, living environments play plays (ing뒤는 항상 단수 동사 입니다) significant role in people’s
daily lives in many of the place where they work or play. Some people think
that living in cities can be more helpful for people to take good care of their
family member than living in rural regions. Both sides may have their own
reasons to support their view. If I were asked to choose one, I would say it is
better to be in urban areas to take care of their family. There are some
reasons as follows for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, living in cities can help people tend their family
members better especially their old parents than in rural areas associate with family. Cities are
equipped with many facilities such as hospitals that help people easily access
and diagnose when their parents are sick. When such facilities are well used,
it is likely to help them take care their parents better and improve their
qualities of lives. helps to take care of parents and improves the quality of life. For example. when our family was living in country side, my
grandma got sick and we didn't know what to do. Her heart rate was falling and
she seemed pain. However, It was hard to find hospital. There was no hospital
around. Therefore, we had to go to city to take her to the hospital. It almost
took an hour to get to the hospital. Fortunately, she became fine after she got
a cure from doctor. After that, my family moved in to city to be close to
hospital and other facilities. Eventually, my parents take grandma to the hospital
regularly. Naturally, my grandmother’s health became better little by little. Thanks
to this facility our family could take care my grandma better.
All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of
living in cities far outweigh those of living in rural areas. All in all, the importance
of facilities to care family members cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 22 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 설득력 입니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 너무나 에세이 자체가 장황하게 서술됬다 보니 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 가장 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |