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undoubtedly, supporting plays a significant
role in our lives many of people who work or play. Some people thinks that the
most important thing to succeed in studies is excellent teacher and tutor, but
others think that supporting is the most important thing for student to succeed
in their studies. Both sides may have their own reasons as follow.
To begin with, feeling comfort is the most
significant things for college students. Truth and serving of family and
friends encourage for student to concentrate on their academic course. When
good environment occur, it is likely to help them academic performance. For
example, when my sister was in Seoul national college, she often felt depressed
things that her life become an exhausting routine. It was difficult to
concentrate on academic course and her meaningless thinking obstruct her to
active such as having a part time jobs. However, she was able to get over
feeling loneliness by mingle with family and friends. Her family support her
financially and her friends make she comfort by mingle with together. Sometime,
they help she let off some steam. She started to raise her grades by
concentrating on only her part. She was able to excel throughout college and
received straight A’s in her classes. f her family and friends had not
supported her, she would have been fallen behind.
I strongly believe that the advantages of
supporting power of family and friends for students to succeed in college far
out weigh having access to tutors or learning from excellent teachers.
우선 주장들이 잘 설명되지 않은 것 같습니다.
전체적인 essay의 길이가 너무 짧고, 주장을 뒷받침할만한 supporting detail의 양이 조금은 부족했던 것 같습니다.
그리고 어휘가 많이 반복적이고 기본적인 편입니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현/어휘 사용할 수 있도록 공부하고
문장을 쓸 때 어느 어휘가 여기에 더 잘 어울릴지 고민하며 쓰는거 중요합니다.