▶ Your Answer : In school, there are many subjects.(Too short hook) Some of them are mandatory, and some is are not. Arts and music are usually not mandatory subjects in school. But I think they should be the main subjects for the following two reasons. To start with, children are more free in art and music.(Awkward sentence) Art and music have more wider bounds than other subjects. This also indicates that kids use up more room in boundaries in regard to art and music. In addition, students can relieve stress in art and music classes (This seems main point) because they can be more independent in them.(What does it mean?) Children normally get very strained in other classes because they usually have a lot to memorize.(Such as?) Through art and music, students can be at ease. If scholars are in a better mood, it will also make their studying more effective. On top of that, arts and music makes students better at expressing themselves. This also means that student's conversation skills will be improved.(How?) In society, communication skills are very important. So (Too casual, 'Thus' is better) making art and music mandatory subjects ultimately helps students get ready for the real world. In addition, communication skills make relationships easier. If students get better at conversation, there will be less misunderstandings with among their friends. If this happens, students can be more efficient (In what?) because they can worry less about relationships. To sum up, I think that art and music should be the main subjects in school. This is because students can be more liberated in them, and because they make student's expression skills improve. For this two reasons, I think that children must attend art and music classes at school.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 1 | Score | Limited 10-17 |
- introduction의 hook 부분이 상당히 짧고 단순한 편입니다.
- 아이들이 어떤 점에서 free하다는 것인가요? feel free? act free? - relieve stress라는 주장이 뒷 부분에야 언급이 되는 것으로 보입니다. - 특히 다른 subject, 어느 과목에서 외워야 할 것은 무엇인지 예를 들어주세요. - 학생들은 어떻게 arts 와 music을 통해서 conversation skill을 늘릴 수 있나요? - 요즘 사회에서 요구되는 conversation skill은 왜 필요시 되고 있는 것인가요? - 학생들이 어떤 점에서 efficient 하다는 것인가요? - 내용이 통일성있게 진행되지 못하고 있습니다.
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