▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether some people think that scores should be the sum total of the scores of many assignment while others think that the scores should be the results of 1 or exams. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different the individual perspectives depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that the scores should be the results of 1 or 2 exams for the following reasons.
First of all, scores should not be the sum total of the scores of many assignment because it added stress levels 1 exam can prevent from getting stress. To be specific, many assignment accompanies a stressful process, which hinder us from building a quality life. Stress is the main cause of disease and dissatisfying life. Therefore, people in modern society should actively find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. For example, when I was younger, many assignment gave a lot of stress to me because they were entire scores. Therefore I realized that just doing 1 or 2 exams is better than evaluating people from many assignment. (좀 더 본인의 주장에 대한 장점을 더 서술하시길 바랍니다 너무 부족합니다 장점이)
In addition, teachers should not evaluate scores that the sum total of the scores of many assignment to avoid adding pressure on students's already busy schedule from assignment in order to prevent adding more pressure. In other word, many assignment consume a lot of time and energy, which make people tired and inefficient. People today are very busy with their life full of tasks and responsibilities. They successfully multitask and stay focused at the same time only if they keep a balance in their daily lives. For instance, according to a study done by the Korea Times, It revealed that most students wanted to assess just 1 or 2 exams because they did not have enough time to do their many assignment.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is better to assess people to the result of 1 or 2 exams. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
점수: 23 일단 각 단락에 있어서 문제가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 바디 단락을 보면 예시에서나 이유에서 본인의 주장이 좀 더 구체적으로 서술되었으면 더 좋았을 거 같습니다. 이와 반대로 두 번째 단락 바디 같은 경우는 이유가 첫 번째 부분이랑 겹칩니다. 이유를 선정할 때에는 각 단락이 겹쳐지지 않고 전혀 다른 주제로 이유를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |