▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that many business owners are engaged in increasing(무슨 뜻으로 쓴 건지 감이 잘 안 잡혀요) their wealth without considering others. However, in my opinion, I strongly believe that they(누구 they 를 말한 건가요? 바로 앞에 이에 대한 설명이 조금 부족한 것 같습니다. )do not focus on accumulating their property. There are two reasons to support my ideas. Some employers have philanthropic business strategies and contribute to their society by donating money. To begin with, business owners have their business mottos or purposes before starting when they launch their business. To be specific, they tend to be widespread with their business mind(이것도 앞과 같이 모호한 뜻을 가집니다) of helping people to live more convenient or to live together by sharing profits. For example, the supermarket called 'Hansalim' built by the farmers' ideas sells many agriculture products produced by their farms. It has many affirmative impacts on their life by seperating a responsibilities and sharing their business profits. All of the
members can have benefits of being encouraged to mutual growth and enhancement through dividing profits evenly.
On top of that, some of rich people exhibit social contribution(부를 과시한다는 느낌에서 contribute를 쓴 건가요?) by giving a donation in medical and human resource development. To explain, the haves make an effort to donate a great amount of money because they feel social responsibility. In other words, the rich have a mind their wealth is not made themselves but on the basis of consumers. For instance, Bill gates who built a computer program
company called 'Microsoft' is one of the popular persons. He has exhibited volunteered social contribution by building a social company in order to give students scholarships and invest medical fields, especially rare diseases.
(이 paragraph 가 뭘 설명하려는 건지 이해가 어렵습니다. 일단 주제에 대한 이해도가 약간 어긋 난 듯 합니다 약간 off topic 입니다)
In conclusion, some of rich people make an endeavor not only to announce their business motto and notions when it comes to considering sharing profit , but also to contribute to social advancement and help. In this regard, I firmly believe that the rich do not only try to earn money to be richer.
의미 전달이 잘 안 되는 문장이 몇몇 있는 것 같습니다. 문장이나 어휘 선정 할 때 조금만 더 생각하고 적으면 훨씬 더 매끄러운 문장/에세이 될 수 있을 것 같습니다. 또 어휘가 약간 한정적이라는 느낌이 확 드는 편입니다. 될 수 있는 대로 다양한 단어 많이 사용해주세요. |