▶ Your Answer :
In this society a lot of colleges and universities always make an effort to support their students. Some people think that colleges and universities do not need to help their students to get a job, and hiring good professors is more important for student than helping them getting a job. However, in my opinion, the institutions should give a hand to students to enter a good company. To begin with, provided that universities help their students to get a job, it will be easier easy for students to attain their dreams. These days, students go to the university to get better job in their life because most companies tend to prefer want a person with a bachelor's degree and campus experience who graduated a university. Moreover, one of the main goals of a university is to help helping students to be successful. (In campus or after graduation? Mention more about it) If a university offers a lot of things to make students prepare entering a company very well, students will get their dream fast. For example, my younger sister wanted to acquire her perfect dream, so she decided to enter a university. However, one of her friends, Bob, did not apply a university. Five years later, it was very hard for him the friend to get a job, so he was unhappy and very despondent. In case of my younger sister, on the other hand, she graduated with a major of electronics in the university, and she was able to enter one of the most famous companies for electronics in Korea. Finally, she felt very happy and she thought she was successful in her life. Had she not entered a university, she would not have been able to enter the fabulous company and would not have been happy. On top of that, the more universities and colleges help students to get a job, the more students will apply this university. (Awkward sentence) It means the university will be able to gather more money more due to lots of tuition from the students. This is because students usually find a university that can make them get a nice good job. As a result, a university will expect the butterfly effect that they will develop their facilities by using money from more students. (Unclear meaning, Not related to topic) For instance, a university that I entered confronted the shortage of money because they did not make an effort to help students to get a job easily. (Can it be the reason?) However, the institution started to encourage students to attain a better job by making programs for getting a job, and such as consulting on how to write resume and seminars for good speechs. Seven years later, more students applied the university because of the feats that the university supported made 90% of graduates to students get a job. As a result, the university was able to erect more buildings. Moreover, they could give a hand to students more and more. To sum up, students attain their goal easily, (Through what?) and a university will be able to develop their facilities by using money from students. In conclusion, universities and colleges should help students to get a job easily.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | Score | Fair 15-18 | - 어색하거나 명확하지 않은 문장들이 종종 보입니다. - The more구문 정확히 사용하여 주세요. - Tuition fee가 main source of school budget인 것은 분명한 사실이지만, 이 때문에 학생들을 위한 facility를 많이 짓는다는 내용이 토픽과는 점점 멀어지는 느낌이 드네요.
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