▶ Your Answer :
some Some (문장 시작하는 부분은 대문자로 서술하시길 바랍니다) people say that colleges and university are not job training centers. so they do not need to effort preparing students for their workplace but a place to prepare for the future. However, in my opinion, it is crucial for them to do a good job for student’s future. There are two reason for this. First, by experiencing a significant amount of activity related to getting position, like internship programs or employment information, students can find a job they interest in. Second, doing activity related to their future inspires them to make more effort for the following two subsequent reasons (밑에 어차피 이유들을 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서는 장황하게 에세이를 서술할 필요가 없습니다 방향성만 얘기하면 됩니다).
To begin with, they (they의 대상이 무엇인가요? 대상이 명확하게 나오지 않습니다) can find their concern based on their experience. When they decide their future, I believe the experience would be one of the most essential factors. Imagine a student only have has (student는 단수 주어 입니다) textbook knowledge. The student’s might have misconception about job that want to do after graduating from colleges. For instance, ever since I was a young, I was to be a teacher wanted to become a teacher. So I took a participate in teaching practice at my university. But actually I taught students, I felt that I am not cut out for this job. It differed greatly from what I have envisioned. I participated in teaching practice in my university but felt that the job does not suit for me (지금 이 예시랑 주제와 무슨연관이 있는 건가요?) On top of that, it is necessary for students to have the opportunity to be inspired. Sine they only concentrate on the filed they have had interesting are interested in. So Colleges and University should give a lot of chance to them like internship university should give relevant job programs. In order to getting get the opportunity, they might give their best shot in many ways. For example, a study conducted by a group of psychology majors in Korea University is a good example of this. The researchers tracked the lifestyles of 200 university students over a 2-year period in order to find out the correlation between internship programs they took and student’s grades. What they found was intriguing. Those who had chance to participate in internship programs also get to have a better grades at school get higher grades in comparison to other group. This was because they They (설명 부분에 있어서는 this is because는 적절치가 않습니다) can remind their aim by participating internship programs. To sum up, students can compare their ideal goal to reality by participating university program. Also, they can be motivated by doing a lot of activity. In this regard, I agree with colleges and university should prepare many opportunities for student’s future.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 가장 크게 느낀것은 예시가 주제와 많이 관련이 없는 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 예시가 하는 큰 역활은 이유를 서포트 하는 것 입니다. 이러한 부분에 있어서는 지금 이 에세이는 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 예시의 중요성이 무엇인지 못 느끼는 에세이인 거 같습니다. 좀 더 설득력 있게 개연성과 연결 하여서 좀 더 설득력 있는 독립형 에세이면 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |