▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that young people can find what they would like to do for a long term without trying several jobs. However, I personally disagree with them and believe that experiencing various jobs will help young people to find out what they want to do. The reasons for this will be clarified below. for the following two subsequent reasons
First and foremost, it is better for young people to do a lot of different jobs as they do not know what they really want to do. The youth are different from old people. Since they are young, they do not have much experience; therefore, most of them do not recognize what they are interested in or are good at in which they can not recognize what they are interested in. However, by working in different fields, they will be able to realize their own ideal jobs can realize their own job identity. For example, when my brother just graduated the university, he had no idea about his future. He visited a school counselor to discuss his worries. She told him it happened to every young person and suggested him to try different jobs, not just focusing on one area suggested to try different jobs not concentrating on only one specific area. After time passed, he had rich experiences by following her advice and he is now working as a school teacher for 20 years.
In addition, knowledge and skill obtained from different experiences will be helpful. As the future cannot be predicted, no one knows how they look like or what they will do in the future. Young people should enrich their knowledge and skill by working in several different conditions so that they can prepare for the future in order to prepare for the future. These gains will help them to adjust themselves more easily when they realize what they hope to do for a long period and actually try it when they find what they are interested in. For instance, when my grandmother was young, she took a gap year and traveled all around the world after graduation. Due to the different foreign languages she learned, she achieved success as a translator.
To sum up, young people should have diverse experiences until they discover their goal for a long term. This is because they are Youth are (설명 부분에 있어서는 this is because~같은 표현은 적절치 않습니다) too young to finalize their future plan. Furthermore, a diverse array of knowledge obtained from previous experiences can be used to reach their goal.
점수: 25 일단 전체적인 내용 부분에 있어서는 잘 서술된 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적인 설명과 예시를 통하여서 왜 학생들이 여러가지 직업을 경험해야하는 지를 알려주고 있습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이가 가지고 있는 문제점은 어색한 표현입니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 하여금 방해를 하기 때문에 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍나다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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