▶ Your Answer : As everything in life is like a coin which has two different sides, people should weigh the pros and cons before jumping to conclusions. After all, each and every question of topic requires careful deliberation in that there is always multiple variables to a truth. Even though some people adamantly say that friends are the most influential people to teenagers since they share lots of time together, I strongly think such opinion lacks coherence to some extent. In my humble opinion, I believe that there are lots of people, other than their friends, who significantly affect teenagers for following subsequent reasons. for the following two subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, few people would deny that teenagers cultivate their intrinsic value through various ways children cultivate ideas through different means. Moreover, although they generally spend most of their time with their peers, the amount of time does not always mean the amount of impact they get from. To make my point more thoroughly, i will take my personal experience. When i was in high school, one of my favorite subject was math since i usually got excited and self-fulfilled when i put lots of effort and time to prove hard problems like differential equations on my own, stimulating me to get dream about being a mathematician. Also, when i read about the books about Newton's life, i eventually became a big fan of him because of his astonishing achievement in mathematics and physics. Hence, what influenced me mostly in my teenage years was none other than mathematics and Newton.
On top of that, parental support is much more influential to teenagers than that of peers. The main reason behind this rationale is that teenagers learn valuable relation skills, such as communication skill or ability of empathizing, mostly from their parents. For example, imagine the procedure of kid's socialization. They firstly get lots of lessons from their parents and also even after they become mature enough, they sometimes ask advice, related to their peers, of their father or mother. Moreover, it would be really detrimental for them to solely rely on other teenagers since they are not also rational enough to make informed-decisions. Hence, they could get in wrong way in life if they make a choice based only on their friends' advice.
In summation To sum up, it is virtually impossible to provide a completely satisfying answer to an open-ended question. Although the jury may be out of this given topic, we can come to a mutual agreement that it is not always a true that friends are the most important and critical to teenagers' life.
점수: 26 약간의 문법적 오류들이랑 불필요한 부연설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들은 독립형 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하게 됩니다. 플로우가 방해 받게 되다 보면 원레 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분 이외에는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락에서의 구체적 설명들을 통하여서 왜 친구들의 조언이 옳지 않는 지를 잘 보여주고 있는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |