▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, knowing about diverse countries plays a significant role in the globalized world these days. Some people think that going to museums is the best way to getting to know about a country while others disagree do not. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that people cannot obtain real knowledge about a country by visiting museums. To begin with, visiting museums allows people to have a confine understanding. To elaborate in detail, the information in the museum is likely to be dead one. In other words, there are more new and vivid cultural sources outside such as a local people, a central park, a restaurant and a shopping mall. For example, when I visited Guam with my family, I actively roamed around the island while the rest of my family took a rest in the resort. Thanks to this journey, I found that there were various sightseeings and people in that small island. Besides, I accidently met Ryan, Guam's original resident, and talked a lot with him and learned about Guam cultures. It makes me have made me gain a interest about this island. After that, I visited the Chamoro museum with my family and soon found that the information in the museum is was so slight and old-fashioned. Thus, I stated the current culture of Guam to my family members. Furthermore, there were some erroneous things such as name of the mountain's name. (이 문장은 앞 문장과 순서를 바꿔주시는 게 좋습니다.) Did I not meet Ryan, we might misunderstand about the country. All things considered, the disadvantages of getting to know a country by accessing museums far outweigh those of going to another places. All of all, having a variety of sight is cannot be overestimated in life.
총평: 일단 적어주셨듯이 글이 권장 글자 300자에 조금 부족한데, 근거가 하나 뿐이라 그런 점도 있습니다. 의견 전달에 있어서는 두 개, 혹은 세 개 (권장은 두 개입니다.) 의 근거가 필요합니다. 지금과 같이 하나의 근거만을 적고 예시로 나머지 분량을 채우는 건 그닥 효과를 보기 어려워요. 각 문단이 조금 더 짧아져도 괜찮으니까 대신 근거를 하나 더 넣어주셔야 합니다. 그래야 주장하고자하는 바를 더 효율적으로 전달할 수 있어요. 수고하셨습니다 :) (275) |