▶ Your Answer : Some people think that moving to a new city or country is not a good idea because they might lose their old friends. However, I disagree with that because moving to a new place would not affect relationship between me and my old friend and would be a good chance to meet new people such statement for the following two subsequent reasons. (이미 밑에서 다 이야기 할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서는 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다). To begin with, I would not lose my old friends even if I move to a new city. Since SNS has been fertilized nowadays, almost everyone has their own accounts and it allows people to contact each other easily to contact with people who live far away. I can contact my old friends wherever I go. Also, meeting friends occasionally would make our relationship even better. If we can't meet frequently, it will be a good chance to feel each other's precious existence. (먼저 중요한 것은 독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다)
On top of that, I can have new friends in a new city or country. Perhaps I could meet my soul mate there. For example, I moved to a new city where I'm living now and found my best friend. I can't imagine my life without that friend and for this reason, I always thank for the chance that I could move.
To sum up, moving to a new location won't make people to lose their old friends and will be a good chance to meet new friends. In this regard, moving to a new city or country isn't a bad idea.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 내용면에 있어서 너무 빈약한 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 바디 단락이나 두 번째 바디 단락 모두 서로 너무 내용이 부족하여서 각 단락들을 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 오류는 너무 구어체 입니다 I를 많이 서술하는 것은 좋지 않습니다. 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |