▶ Your Answer : There are some people who believe that learning from one's peers is better than learning from teachers or supervisors. However, personally I disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, teachers have more responsibility to teach correctly during long period than our peers. Second, teachers know many effective teaching methods and education theories to solve complex learning problems (이미 밑에서 이야기를 다 할것이기 때문에 인트로에서는 방향성만 알려주는 것이기 때문에 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다). To begin with, teachers have more responsibility to teach correctly during long period than our peers. To be specific, teacher is the person who decided to select teaching as a job the job of teacher is to lead successful children. However, our peers have another job or other tasks which they should do for their living. The different condition of this starting point makes the difference of results (뭔가 개연성이 맞지 않습니다 전체적으로 이유가 납득이 되지 않는 거 같습니다). Let me bring my personal story as an example. (let me bring up~같은 표현은 구어체이기 때문에 독립형 에세이에서는 적절치 않습니다) For example, I had been experiencing difficulties to learn math when I was 4th grade in the elementary school. Then I asked my friend to teach what I couldn't understand. I could not understand (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) At the first, He assisted me by his best he tried his best (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다). But, after day by day he couldn't give me the time for teaching. Finally, I went to a mathematic teacher to ask help. He made a special class for me and it continued for a few months. Until he believe my understanding about the part is enough, he spared me a lot of time. On top of that, teachers know many effective teaching methods and education theories to solve complex learning problems. Even peers have enough passion and knowledge about the subject, they are not trained by professional curriculum. On the other hand, teachers are well trained about teaching technic from professional institute. According to a study done by Seoul National University of Education, peer teaching can reach the wrong result in the educational goal by the lack of the teaching methods and education theories. In this regard, generally teachers have more responsibility, teaching methods and education theories to solve complex learning problems than student's peers. In conclusion, teacher is better than one's peers.
점수: 23 일단 각 단락에 있어서 서로 문제가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 바디 단락 같은 경우는 어색한 표현들과 문법적 오류들이 아주 구체적으로 보여지고 있습니다. 따라서제가 지적한 부분들을 보시면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 이와 반대로 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 내용이 너무 빈약합니다. 좀 더 설득력 있게 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 더 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |