▶ Your Answer :
Contemporary society operates on a logical assumption that it is more
important for teachers to connect with students than to be experts in their
fields. It is, therefore, difficult for me to answer the question instantly
because of the nature of the problem. However, if I have to select within given
options, I would agree with that to connect with students is more important for
teachers than to be experts. First reason is
that connection between teachers and students is more useful for each other the latter to understand our society, than just than having
knowledge of their field. Another reason is that the more connected with
students teachers are, the more effective teaching is. On the other
hand, it is possible to think differently. Hence, the discussion cannot be
delayed anymore.
(서론이 좋지만 너무 깁니다. 간략하게 요약해서 적으시거나 불필요한 문장을 조금 지워주시면 좋을 것 같아요.)
To begin with, connection between students and
teachers is important to understand each other, which plays a
significant role in our life than knowledge of their field. In particular, including
the Tokyo Research Center analyzed data from two groups of teachers. One group
consisted of teachers who had spend spent
their time to connect with their students more than to study their fields. The
other group is was made up of teachers
who had spend spent their time to be
experts in their fields more than to connect with
their students. The researchers found out that the former group had was more likely to be satisfied with their life and so
was were the students of the teachers of
the former group in their school life than the letter groups
latter group’s teacher and their students. From
this research, one can infer that connection with students is more important
for teachers than to be experts in their fields.
(대명사 이용을 더 하시면
좋을 것 같아요. 같은 단어를 반복적으로 쓰면 좋지 않습니다)
In addition, the teaching skill of teachers is proportional to not how
smart teachers are but how many much connection
with students teachers have. For example, when my sister was in high
school, she often felt depressed thinking that she must became become the best. To survive in a competitive world,
she spent the whole day studying, hoping that she could outdo others. However,
it was not easy to make her life better until she met a teacher Kim. He
spent his almost most of the time
of his day to connect with her. After she met him, she changed as became more positive and got more higher grades than before. It made me think that connecting with
students is the most important quality for teachers.
After these
rationales, the essay reached a conclusion. In the end, a point of view which I
have suggested should not be underestimated because I explained why connection
is more important by showing the research and my sister's experience. They are
all valid points to behold. Overwhelming evidence written in this essay became
necessity and helped in answering the question. In this way, it is more
important for teachers to connect with students than to be experts in their
fields. (결론도 불필요한 문장들이 있습니다.)
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
23 |
Overall
Comment: |
포인트는 잘 잡으셨지만, 서론과
결론을 조금 간략하게 써주시는 연습이 필요하세요. 자세한 내용은 위에 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
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