There might be some people who believe that people should
donate to organizations to help people who need housing and food or who need
money to start their own businesses. However, I personally disagree with the
above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, receiving medical care is
directly related to healthy life which is the most important thing. Second,
health problems are urgent.
First, medical care is closely and directly related to
healthy life. What this means is that healthy life can be given when medical
care is properly provided. In the worst case, people can lose their lives due
to the health problems. And healthy life is the most important value in our
lives because everything means nothing if we die. According to he a study done by the Korea University, 80%
of the respondents said that health is the most important thing. This is due
the fact that other things such as wealth and beauty cannot mean anything when
people are not able to hold the healthy lives.
This example clearly shows that we should give money to an organization to
offer medical care who are in need.
Second, health problems such as illness and diseases are
pressing. To explain, people cannot anticipate that they will have health
problems in the future. And in most cases, the health problems need to be
treated in proper time. Moreover, sometimes treatment fee is too expensive for
individuals to gather in a short time. Let me bring up my mother’s
personal story as an example. My mother got stomach cancer about 5 years ago. A
doctor said that she had to get surgery to cut the portion of the cancer and
prevent the cancer from developing. We agree to the doctor of course, but my
family did not have enough to pay for the fee. We got help from one private
organization who give money for patients in need. If it had not been for that
organization, my mother could not have regained her
health have not been healthy.
In conclusion,
healthy life related to medical care is most important value and health
problems are urgent. In this regard, I strongly believe that an organization to
provide medical care who are in need should be given donation.
Fair (17-23)
첫번째 본문 -according to 구문 -글의 내용이 단편적이고 반복적입니다. 건강이 중요하므로 medical care에 신경써야한다는 것은 너무 1차원 적인 이유입니다. 건강문제가 왜 다른 문제보다 중요하고, 건강문제에 기부함으로써 파생되는 영향이 다른 기관에 기부하는 것보다 크다는 근거와 설명을 써주셔야 합니다.
두번째 본문 -줄 친 부분 표현 어색합니다. 바꾼 표현으로 써주세요. -좀더 개연성이 있는 본문입니다. 글의 주제와 본인의 주장과 본문의 내용/예시가 잘 어우러져서 설득력을 줍니다. 첫번째 본문 내용 개선해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |