▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that television and movies have positive effects than negative effects on children's behavior. Because a variety of media can offer to children leading to educational positive effect. However, I personally disagree with the above statement due to the two subsequent two reasons. First, media such as televisions programs and movies can also bring offer negative aspects to children. Second, Ttelevision and movies can isolate children's relationship.
To begin with, televisions programs and movies are is a kind of information pool. To be specific, television and movies can give negative screen to people who watch them. To continue eExposing violation, television and movies affect on children's behavior. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. My cousin watched the television and movies to see the world on screen. Since the media was is one of valuable sources to have get information, he thought television and movies are beneficial media. is positives. However, his behavior got is more aggressive and negative due to constant exposure exposed of violation on television and movies. If my cousin had has not watched the television and movies in his spare time, he would not have become be aggressive.
Second, Ttelevision and movies make children isolated. What I mean is that some people who spend long time on television and movies do not go outside to meet friends and even parents. Isolated relationship from with surround people can make them feel alone. Also, it will be hard to adjust in society because society demands active people who have good relationship. According to a recent survey done by the Children Behavior Study Institutes(CBSI), 80% of respondents under watching long time television and movies for a long time said that they were are lonely and underwent undergo relationship handicap. In addition, they appealed that television and movies should be regulated on children because they did before. This clearly shows that television and movies is are harmful on to children's behavior.
In conclusion, watching a television and movies for a long time is bad not only bad for children's behavior, but also for their mental health. In this regard, I strongly believe children should be is regulated in watching to watch television and movies.
Comment : 텔레비전과 영화가 어떤 점에서 부정적인 면이 더 많은지를 명확히 설명할 수 있게끔 논리를 다듬어주세요. 폭력성을 심어준다거나 사교성을 떨어뜨릴 수 있다는 주장 자체는 아주 좋지만, 내용이 아직 정확히 전달되지 못한다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 주장과 설명, 사례 내용이 단계적으로 이어질 수 있도록 내용 구성에 신경써주세요. 문법오류와 오탈자가 많은 편이니 정확한 작문을 더 많이 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |