▶ Your Answer :
As mentioned above, some people think that moving to a new place is not a fine idea since they can lose losing their old friends. However, in my opinion, moving to another region is not necessarily results in losing old friends because of the advances in technology and increase in increasing the chance of making new relationship. To begin with, people live in high technology era such as with the development of transportation system and smart phones. So, Aalthough people move to a new place, they could keep in touch with their friends anytime and anywhere and if people want to see their friends, they are able to see them just in one day. For example, I was living in the same city as my friends until high school student, but I have had to move another city. However, I have been able to contact with my high school friends for more than 10 years and I can meet my friends in two hours whenever I want due thanks to new highway construction. Therefore, Iit is incorrect that moving to a new region causes drifting friends apart from me. On top of that, Mmoving to another region is the chance of making a new relationship. When people make the move to different environments, they face people who have various characters and varied life styles. Through these unacquainted situations, human relations become more diverse, which is helpful to their life. For instance, A a study was conducted by the department of psychology in Harvard university to determine whether diverse relationship could affect the happiness of people. There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of people who have individual and non-social character. They were asked to fill out the questionnaire about satisfaction of their life. The other group consisted of people who have diverse relations and outgoing character. They were given the direction as well. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that the group those who are social sociable people were able to be satisfied with satisfy their life better than the group of who non-social non-sociable people. This was because social people do a lot of activities through the their various their relationships. Also these activities improve the quality of life. This study demonstrates that a variety of relationships can help people’s life. 다양한 인간관계에만초점이 가면 '다른 지역으로 이사가는 것'에 대한 주제를 벗어나게 됩니다. 다른 지역으로 이사가면 새로운 인간관계 형성이 가능하다는 점에 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어주세요. In a nut shell, taking advance of technology and the opportunity for new relationship relations into consideration, I think that it is better to start a new relationship without fear about losing your old friends. In this regard, I firmly believe that moving to a new environment is a good choice.
Comment : 각 본론의 주장을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 내용을 설명하는 과정에서 논점이 어긋난 부분들을 수정해주세요. 대소문자 오류, 문법오류가 많은 편이니 proof-reading시간을 충분히 확보해서 꼼꼼하게 체크해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |