▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over whether it is better to have friends who are
similar to me than those who are different from me. (주제에 사용된 단어 그대로 사용 지양해주시고 paraphrase해 주세요; it is better --> it can be advantageous / beneficial 등) People of diverse ages and
from different walks of life take diverse positions on this controversial
issue. Personally, I disagree with the statement because we can build new friendships and broaden
their networks by making friends with people different from ourselves.
To begin with, people should meet many kinds of people. By doing so, they can
learn how to handle an uneasy relationship. Opponents of my perspective claim
that we should make friends with people who are similar to ourselves because we
do not need to be stressed out due to an awkward relationship; it can make
us feel comfortable. Advocates’ claims may sound reasonable on the surface. (주제에 대한 본인의 입장을 support하는 데 있어서 불필요한 내용입니다) However, if we take a closer look at their contentions, the rationale for their
assertion lacks logic in many ways. Moreover, my personal example can debunk
their claims. When my cousin Minsu was a high school student, he was an
introverted student. He even never talked with students who did not have any interests in
common. However, after entering university, he met many people. He learned how
to interact with people who are different from him and how to read other people’s
emotions. Nowadays, he can make friends easily with students who are in other
major or who have nothing in common. (반대측의 주장을 불필요하게 늘어놓기보다 본인이 주장을 뒷받침하는 이유인 "uneasy relationship"을 handle하는 과정에 대해 상세히 서술하고 이로인해 볼 수 있는 benefit을 구체적으로 적는 것 --> 더 설득력 있는 글이 됩니다)
Beyond my personal experience, there are many articles which can support my
argument. They expressed doubts that are similar to my point of view. A few
weeks ago, I had a chance to read an article from the Dong-A Daily News that is
related to the topic. It described the results of a survey conducted by the
Samsung Economic Research Institute social science researchers with more than 500 chief executive officers at large companies in Seoul. According to the article, of the 500 officers surveyed, more than 80 percent of them answered that they enjoy meeting people
in other fields and make friends with the people to broaden their social networks.
They went on to say that they can learn how to handle an uneasy relationship and widen insight for their business by meeting people working in different fields. It is quite important.
--> Reason 2 가 아닌 Reason 1의 연장선상의 내용을 작성하셨는데, 일반적인 TOEFL에세이에서 쉽게 고득점을 받는 경우는 strong reason 1 + example 1 & strong reason 2 + example 2 를 작성하는 구조입니다. 별도의 설득력있는 이유를 제시해주세요.
As mentioned above, there are many advantages to make friends with people
different from ourselves. Therefore, I can conclude that it is better to have
friends who are different from me than those who are similar to me.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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