▶ Your Answer :
Some people say that children need to
have art and music as mandatory school subjects. (주제 문장 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요) However, I have a different
idea. I strongly believe that children should not have art and music as a
requirement subject for the following reasons. Students get a lot of stress already with what they study nowadays. Also, the amount of demands (어떤 것에 대한 demand인지 명확하지 않습니다) can prevent them from studying other subject.
To begin with, children do not have
to take art and music course because these make children receive pressure. Getting
a lot of stress can cause mental health problem. This means that because
children is very immature, it is difficult to deal with music and art course. (본인이 주장하는 이유, children이 immature한 내용, difficult to deal with music class등 요소 간 논리적 연관성이 unclear합니다) They
will have a hard time to cope with increased number of classes than usual. If teachers and parent demand
student to take other classes, children will get lots of stress. For example,
when I was a child, my parents forced me to take music and art classes. So, I went to an art academy for two years. Since I already had a lot of homework from math, language,
and science classes, taking art and music classes made me feel exhausted even more. Since
I suffered from serious pressure, I eventually decided to stop going to art
academy. (이 예시가 전달하는 결론 + 내가 주장하는 이유와 다시 한 번 연결지어 주세요.)
- 주어/목적어 단수/복수형태를 적절히 사용할 수 있어야 합니다.
Second, children do not need music
and art course as compulsory courses since they cannot study other important
subjects that matter. Childhood is significant to learn essential subjects such as English and Math. Even if music and art can be important to develop
children's emotion, English and Math will be more considerable. (어떤 부분에서 considerable 한지? beneficial and practical to get a job 등을 의미하는지 unclear 합니다) Thus, leaning
art course can deprive children of time to study other subjects. For example, when my
friend called Jone was six years old, he learned art and music before he entered elementary the school. Even though he was skilled at drawing picture and
singing a song, he could not perform well in other classes because he studied
music and art when he was a child. In order to catch up with other students, he
tried to make effort. (예시가 구체적이고 논리적이라고 보기 어렵습니다; 학생이 공부해야 하는 주요 과목을 제대로 공부하지 않아 고등 교육기관으로 진학에 실패한 경우 등 좀 더 '비중있는 실수'와 이의 원인이 "다른 과목을 공부하느라 중요 과목에 집중하지 못했기 때문"으로 이어지는 등 좀 더 logically make sense한 내용으로 예시의 방향을 변경해주세요)
To
sum up, I strongly disagree with the statement. Demanding children to take music
and art make it possible for children to receive lots of stress. Also, learning
music and art can keep children's time from spending time studying other
significant subjects.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
|
FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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