▶ Your Answer : Some people think that extended family is still important nowadays to compared with the past. However, I can not agree with their opinion. We can recognize that the extended family's era family'era is done has gone via the manners of nowadays. The extended family has steadily been reduced, but the nuclear family has dramatically increased. Moreover, the extended family has lost its social meaning.
To begin with, the extended family has tended to decline. Contrastively, the nuclear family has significantly been rising rose today. It has been resulted resaulted that the proportion of the nuclear family at the number of households is dominant. One study that had been provided by US statistical office shows us the ratio of the extended family what had dramatically decresed changed in last 30 years. We can infer that the family has become became minor part of the US society. 이것이 '중요성'과 무슨 관련이 있는지를 설명해주세요. 단순히 수가 줄어들었다는 사실이 중요성이 줄어들었다는 점과 연결되지는 않습니다.
On the top of that, we can't find any noticeable messages in the family these days. Since we became nuclear families, we have rarely faced our relatives. And then the extended family has gradually lost their own functions. Because because our life styles have has changed. Actually, the functions of the family has transferred transfered to a variety of service industries. industry. For example, kindergartens kindergardens bring up children childrens when their parents go to company. And most of almost houseworks housework such as cleaning, cooking, and so on can be easily replaced by services. 이러한 변화가 '대가족'의 중요성과 무슨 관련이 있는지 더 구체적으로 설명해주세요.
To sum up, the extended family holds less social parts, and has lost lose the their own meanings. In this regard, I think that the extended family has no more important position in modern society.
Comment : 대가족의 중요성이 '어떤 점에서' 줄어들었는지를 설명하는 부분이 좀 더 보완되어야 할 것 같아요. 본론1의 경우 사회적으로 대가족형태가 의미를 잃어가고 있는 '이유'가 설명되어야 대가족의 중요성이 줄어들었다는 점과 연결할 수 있고, 본론2의 경우에도 가족구성원들의 역할을 대신하는 서비스가 많이 생긴 것이 '대가족'과 무슨 관련이 있는지를 설명해주어야 주제에 대한 답변으로 기능할 수 있습니다. 논리를 더 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 문법오류도 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |