▶ Your Answer : Children's intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by their pastime. With this understanding, I believe that it is important for children to play sports for fun rather than for competition. This is because playing sports for fun enables them to relieve stress while playing sports for competition can put them under stress.
Playing sports for competition can put children under stress. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in "The Korean Herald" which claims that playing sports for competition can prevent children from relieving their stress. My own experience also demonstrates some of the disadvantages of competition in the sports. When i I was in high school, I used to play the basketball with my friends. It was for fun at first, but I really wanted to be good at playing basketball. In order to develop my basketball skills, I started strenuous training after school. At that time, I focused only on only basketball, and I did not even have time to do my homework. Eventually I failed my mid term, and I got a lot of stress due to this situation. 경쟁을 위한 스포츠 자체에서 스트레스를 받는 것이 아니라 학업을 소홀히 한 결과로 인한 스트레스이므로 주제에 맞지 않습니다. 주제에 맞게 사례 내용을 수정해주세요. In this sense, I learned that playing sports for competition can put children under stress.
On the other hand, playing sports for fun enables children to relieve stress. Understanding the daily environment of children and the potential role of sports is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, once children are at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears them down them. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, they can play sports for fun with their peers. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from school. In this regard, I learned that enjoying sports for fun helps children to relieve their stress.
To sum up, I believe that it is important for children to play sports for fun rather than for competition. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 사례 내용이 주제와 맞지 않는 부분을 수정하고, playing sports for run이 스트레스를 잘 풀어주는 이유에 대한 설명 보완을 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 경쟁을 위한 스포츠에 비해 어떻게 스트레스 해소에 도움을 주는지를 간단히 설명할 수 있습니다. 간단한 문법오류, 오탈자도 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Comment : 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |