▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, a feeling of happiness plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that the young enjoy life more than the old do, and others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that young people cannot enjoy their lives while old people do. There are several reasons as follows. First of all, a widening gap between the rich and the poor prevent young people from feeling enjoyable in their lives. Since modern society runs on materialism, money gives people a lot of opportunities to succeed through better education, better learning environment, and better people. Since only a small portion of the population accounts for the rich, when poor people acknowledge this huge difference in what they born with, they are likely to feel powerless and depressed, preventing them from opening up to the rich. For example, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in this competitive world, she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Although she made constant effort, it was difficult because everyone was studying as hard as she was. It was also difficult to make friends because all of them seemed very busy and indifferent to others, treating each other as rivals. She found out that some rich classmates took additional classes at cram schools, and got a higher score on exams accordingly. However, she was not able to afford to take such expensive classes. In this context, it was difficult for her to be happy and to enjoy her life. 빈부격차는 젊은이들과 노인 모두에게 해당하는 내용이므로 현재 주제에 대한 답변으로는 어색합니다. 젊은이들보다 노인층이 더 인생을 잘 즐긴다고 보는 이유를 제시해주세요. In addition, the young cannot enjoy their lives because they always have to develop their expertise in their area. As modern society is becoming more competitive and specialized, many companies need job candidates who are experts in their fields. Although these young people already have a lot of knowledge, they are unlikely to spend their free time on enjoyable activities. For example, Seoul National University analyzed data from two groups of people. One group consisted of those who were are aged between nineteen to thirty-one, and the other group was made up of those who were are aged between sixty to seventy-two. The researcher found that most of the first group spent their vacations studying or maintaining their hectic schedules. On the other hand, many of the second group spent their free time traveling or meeting friends. The most contributing factor was that the young had to study harder to meet their dream companies’ requisition to win other competitors who also wanted to work at the same company. Moreover, However, in reality, the former slept less than six hours a day, and met their family and friends less than two hours a week, and had no hobby. This implies that many young people cannot relax and do what they enjoy for achieving success, which is different from the old who are already retired from their work.
All things considered, younger people enjoy life less than older people do for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, this trend will continue and pass down to the next generation.
Comment : 본론1의 내용은 주제에 대한 답변이 되기에 어색해보입니다. 빈부격차가 젊은층 사이에서 더 크다는 점을 논리적으로 설명하거나, 아니면 젊은층은 인생을 즐길 돈이 부족하지만 노년층은 충분히 벌어둬서 여유롭게 쓸 수 있다는 식의 내용으로 젊은층/노년층의 비교가 필요해 보여요. 본론2는 주제에 맞게 잘 응용되어 있습니다. 모델에세이를 응용하실 때 주제에 맞게 충분히 활용될 수 있는지 여부에 유의하신다면 훨씬 좋은 점수대의 답안을 쓰실 수 있을 거예요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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