▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, we have fewer chances to interact with extended families. So some people might think extended family is not as important now as before. However, in my opinion, relationships with extended family members, including grandparents and cousins, are still important to us. There are several reasons why I think in this way.
First, extended family members are still one of the biggest supporters in our lives. We can get a lot of help from them in many ways. One of the Korean proverbs says; blood is deeper than water. It means that the relationship with family member are more important than any other. They will try to help me in any cases while other friends or acquaintances might refuse to do so. For example, a lot of grandparents take care of their grandchild nowadays in Korea when the child’s parents both go to work. Parents feel comfortable when grandparents of the child take care of their child than other people. They mentioned that they can focus more on their jobs. (본 예시를 기사 형식으로 작성, survey형태로 만들어 ~%가 "grandparents 가 아이들을 돌봄으로 육아비를 절감하고 실제적으로 아이와 부모의 정서적 유대감이 강화됨을 느꼈다" 등의 구체적이고 설득력있는 evidence로 만들어주세요. 현재 예시는 다소 general 합니다.) Next, relationships with extended family members are more important than before because the number of family members are decreasing. The rates of marriage and birth are both decreasing in many countries these days. Much less people want to have baby compare to the past. In some countries, like China, the government regulate the numbers of child each family. Therefore, we have much fewer number of family members. (China의 family number regulation과 we have much fewer member와의 연관성이 없습니다; 모든 국가가 산아정책을 실시하는 것이 아니며 본 주제에서 말하는 출산율 저하 등으로 인해 인구 감소 추세에 있다는 내용과도 또한 관련이 없습니다) Therefore, that is why we should take care of our extended family members more. (왜 이 문장이 작성되었는지에 대한 background information이 없습니다) To sum up, we do not share our house with extended family like before. However, they are still one of our biggest supporters and take important part of our lives. I think we should take care of and keep in touch with our family members more often than before.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- One of the biggest members (~ 들 중 1명/1인) 이기 때문에 꼭 뒤에는 복수형으로 작성해주세요. - And, But 등을 문장 앞에 사용하는 기초적인 문법 실수가 많이 있습니다. - Reason은 제시되었으나 supporting evidence/explanation이 약합니다. |