▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who
believe that a low salary job is more secure than a high salary job that can be
easily lost. (주제에 사용된 단어 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요) However, I personally disagree with the idea above for two subsequent
reasons. High salary jobs have diverse information, and one who participates in such risky job can receive assistance about
problem.
Diverse
information can be provided a high salary jobs. To be specific, most high salary
jobs have lots of information about a variety of possible problems, which
means that the information is different from the basic things. Unlike high paying jobs that are risky, low salary
jobs cannot offer diverse high-quality data and can be exposed to various economic problems easily. For instance, most successful chief executive officers mentioned that they receive different information related with economic problem to protect their company. wealthy from banks or surrounding people. These executives always need to learn more and gain important information to avoid market risks and accumulate more wealth easily for the company's fortune. This clearly shows
that the high salary jobs can be more beneficial than low salary jobs by getting diverse
information.
[다음과 같이 구체적이고 촘촘하게 logic을 설명해주세요] - 구체적으로 high paying jobs with risk 의 종류에는 회사의 고위 임원 등 큰 risk를 관리하는 직업들이 많다 --> 이런 직업은 시장에 대한 이해 뿐만 아니라 회사를 경영하고 위험을 관리하는 데 있어서 많은 지식을 축적하게 된다 --> 이러한 지식은 회사의 경영 뿐만 아니라 개인의 자산을 관리하는 데도 활용될 수 있으며 좋은 업무 성과로 이어진다. + 예시 + 이렇게 예시에서도 주장하듯 고위험군 직업에서 얻을 수 있는 지식의 긍정적 위력은 직업적 위험이 주는 부정적 효과보다 크다.
Lots of assistance are given to a high-salary job. Most high salary jobs have extreme
influence on society by taking a part of economy. If people with high salary
job like chief executive officers face serious economic problems, unemployment rate would be
increased rapidly, which affect all economic aspects negatively. Thus, most
governments have solutions to avoid this situation by aiding high paying jobs. However,
low paying jobs does not have strong influence on economy, and their effect is limited to only personal problems. According to recent survey done by ERT economy
organization, 85% of high salary job respondents mentioned that they have taken
aid from a government when they suffer from economic negative circumstance. In
addition, most respondents added that if they did not have different solution,
their problems would be destroyed economy. As a result, a job with high paying
value than a job with low paying from society.
- assistance의 정의가 모호합니다; 개인이 정부로부터 이런 aid를 받는 사실 / 배경 등에 대한 설명이 부족합니다. "중책을 맡고 급여가 높은 개인들에게는 직업에 집중할 수 있게 많은 assistance가 붙는다" 는 방향으로 바꾸어 작성하는 것을 고려해보세요.
In
conclusion, high paying jobs not only have diverse information for keeping
their wealth but also get diverse aid from many others to prevent economic problems from happening in the society. This means that high salary jobs are more secure than low
salary jobs.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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