▶ Your Answer :
It is of great worth to discuss whether or
not people should choose a secure job rather than a satisfying satisfied job when they
have the opportunity. While some people might agree with the statement, others
might disagree with it. As far as I am concerned, I disagree with the notion
that it is better to get a secure job than to get a satisfied job for the
following reasons.
First of all, getting a satisfying satisfied job helps
people to maintain health. The fundamental reason is that when they work in a
stable workplace, they could not be satisfied with satisfy on their lives because of a dull routine.
As a result, they will feel frustrated and stressed. In fact, stress is one of
the primary factors of illness through weakening the immune system. Thus,
people are more likely to be mentally and physically weak. For example, my
uncle, a doctor at a general hospital in a city, tells me that many of his patients
suffer adverse health effects from stress. They come to him for stress-related
ailments and disorders. He has found the relationship between stress and human
diseases such as headaches, high blood pressure, and insomnia. In this sense, it
is healthful for people to chase the opportunity to get a satisfied satisfying job.
On top
of that, following the satisfying satisfied job can increase people’s motivation in life.
To be specific, it is a good way for people to chase the job that would be more
satisfying because this aspect can be an effective facilitator which motivates
people to participate in their tasks. themselves. They will make more efforts, concentrate
more, and feel more responsible. Therefore, this brings better outcomes of
them. For example, my brother, a high school teacher, used to be negligent and lose lost interest in his job. However, after since he quit the job and became a designer
which he had pursued for a long time, he has changed little by little. He
started to spend more time working and had enthusiasm for designing clothes. a cloth.
The reason was that my brother tried to become a designer and waited for the
job rather than settled for the present.
To sum
up, it is a better way for people to pursue a satisfied satisfying job rather than to get
a secure job in terms of maintaining health and being motivated from the job.
For these reasons, I strongly disagree that people should choose a secure job
when they get a opportunity.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 본론1의 경우 스트레스와 건강의 영향에 너무 초점을 두기보다 '만족스러운 직업이 스트레스를 덜 준다'라는 점을 우선적으로 설명해주어야 할 것 같습니다. 부수적인 내용을 설명하는 데 분량을 많이 할애하면 논점이 어긋나기 쉽습니다. 몇가지 문법실수들도 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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